Aw soykaf nigga, what have you done, well here we go. work tomorrow, that's going to stuck, i wonder if the tard will need me to hold their hands again. that soykafs getting old, and the trucks lifters are still chattering like a dog in a freezer, whats gonna cost, 2k? on top of that the network soykaf is crapping out, stupid thing, "Buy Cisco" they said and yet the thing shared itself every 8 hours, what a joke. Maybe its work getting a cheap Mega32 and making it reboot the router on a 7 hour timer, it'll work but god what a hack job.
I did intend to play euro truck today, thats fallen through, but now what, only have a few hours, should do it, need to relax afterall, fuck im fat. and android being a soykaf dropping read write to the sd card, what a fucking joke that is, what I cant read write my own SD card because its slow… who cares, i need somewhere for my music and youtube rips, I don't care about the rest of the soykaf, its been ages since I logged into you tube, I wonder if there are any new soykaf too look at. it feels strange being so cut off from media, yet consuming it every day. the OGG update to the music library is good I guess, ultra-love has new instruments in it, fucking Mp3 why did I persist with that soykaf. fuck I am typing a lot, and the red lines are soykafting me off, arrg, I have to correct them, after this euro truck and I'll listen to the kovak audio books while I play, rest relaxand drive trucks, yeah.
Sigh new tires for the old tart soon as well, I wonder hoe much it will be per corner this time, $330 last time, probably $350 this time, still she hasn't gotten bogged yet, the rear locker is holding up, the front is too, stop old tart that truck is. Times almost up, and I have typed a lot, damn, everyone gonna think I'm mad. And the red roster guy is afraid of my dogs, haha, well at least the dogs don't know he is there since he calls win win.
Met a girl the other night, she's a weird one but I think she's very intelligent. We talked for a while about weird things, many things, nerd things as if I was an old friend of sorts. Come to think of it, maybe we did know each other at some point. Maybe not like this, but another life or another identity. I don't know how to say it but she is familiar even though we've just met. It terrifies me but I think… or maybe I shouldn't think too much about it. I like this feeling - I think hahaha. Well, looks like I can still laugh after all.
Too much soykaf to do but I'm distracted now. I need to focus or this work will never end. I hate being too busy but I think it do it so I don't have to address these types of feelings. Just kind of shuffle them back in the recesses of my mind. Maybe it's not a big deal but I feel like I'm not expressing them anymore. I want my humanity back but I don't feel like a robot or like I'm dying inside? Am I okay? I think.
Speaking of which, I saw a thing the other day about this TempleOS guy. Computer genius that became schizo when he got older. Apparently God told him to make his own OS from scratch, so, he did. It was really impressive and sad at the same time to see a beautiful mind descend into madness. I remember watching him speak telling us about when his pet bird was dying. Very sad, very real. For a moment it seemed like he was perfectly lucid again as he spoke about dying and reflected on his own life: "All my parents do is go to doctors and dentists then the casino, I go to doctors and dentist then watch TV– well I don't watch TV. I live a very 'old' kind of life (nervous laugh) but I think I like it?" Then he said something profound about teeth as in whenever you lose a tooth, it's like a reminder of your own mortality. They don't come back and it's final. Then he regressed again to madness and being sad about his sick bird. Now I don't want to go to the dentist. That's okay because those fucks overcharge everything and make up bullsoykaf reasons to drill your teeth anyways.
I'm stressed. Not good enough. Not smart enough. I feel like dropping out but I know that's only a temporary feeling. As soon as this semester project is turned in, I know I will feel much better about it all. Everything.
My work ethic isn't good enough. I'm trying to get better at putting in effort, but I just… I don't know.
Am I even doing this thing right? Stream of Conscioussness… Hmm…
I don't know, man. I feel kind of lost. I'm just looking forwards to after tomorrow, because then there is only proofreading and some last resort in making our thing work in practice.
I suppose this project takes up a lot of my consciousness right now. Feelings of inadequacy, feeling that I don't do enough. The pressure I put on my own shoulders. Hopefully, I will get better at working with other people, which is what these projects are for, I think?
I hope I can relax a bit and order my thoughts on the busride home today. Would be nice to get some preparation done for writing the last part I have to write tonight.
Been thinking I'd try weed to help me sleep better. Or at least fall asleep faster. Usually I just lay for too long and end up tired and groggy in the mornings. Especially now that we're entering the final stages of the project work. I wonder why I've been thinking in English mostly for the past many years. Even before my English vocabulary got as extensive as it is now. Or well, I remember sometimes forcing myself to think in my native tongue, because I found it weird to think in English. I suppose it started with having to communicate in English a lot while playing World of Warcraft. Something like that. This is a good thread. Or rather it's a good thread for getting your feelings in order? Or rather
dealing with them, I suppose.
Analyzing them? I don't know. But I feel like this stream of consciousness lifted quite a bit of weight off my shoulder.
I'm glad I did this.
Thank you, anon.
I think time is running out soon.
Perhaps I should do this on my own more often jsut to get things in order in my head. Yeah.
Looked at the stopwatch 10 seconds left.
Ug work, I swear my managers manager has no idea whats going on day to day. She came up asking me what my plans are for future training in the organization, I don't have any, I am a contractor not an employee. Why would I? I train outside of work, i cant even apply at work, Fucking hell, do you have to get a lobotomy before you reach management?
Read a really nice comment about me, well that cheered me up a lot, I don't know what to say in return but it was nice, that last few months have been very depressing and that gave me something to smile about something nice in what feels like a sea of dark. What I am meant to do to fix it my situation, I don't know, I guess I just need another job but the markets pretty soykaf right now, I'm lucky to have one as it is.
Far out, whats going to be next. I failed that run on the weekend. why do people run anyway its doe such a job on your joints. its a waste of time, I should just stick to the exercise bike, everyone was judging me, it was depressing, I'm glad i gave up on it and went home why do I even bother with people in real life.
Well there are a few courses coming up at least that I can do, more ICT, saw a posting for a job I cant get but may as well apply for. I cant for the life of me figure out why I am such a mess, the world seems to move and move and move and I can't grasp on, all I can do is step back and watch it move, watch it leave me behind. I guess my computer is always there, my online "friends" people I may not know but I can trust more than anyone around me. The world moves my computer stays, it waits for me, it help me learn, catch-up and relax.
People don't get that though, they try to tell me to get off it, that I am addicted, its not healthy, well what are my options? Go outside, deal with people who always disappointing, go to work where people are dumber than a box of matches? sigh, I don't know, my online life is easy, I need to use that for a job, I don't need much money, just enough to survive, rents cheap now for me. Cheaper than most, I am lucky in that way,
Less than minute, god this is relaxing, cathartic, talking to my computer, it never judges unless I tell it how, thanks lains, you have helped me stay sane.
fuck right i haven't done one of these damn things in a while i wonder how my brain is doing. how ya doing brain? "alright bro, except not at all, not even a little alright" okay then brain thank you for your input. today i was preoccupied and overate and underslept but slept in. i love no-one i meet because love is a precious gift and it doesn't just go for nothing is it tho? i begin to wonder idy if maybe proudhon was right about everything (wave th black and orange, raah raah) and property is theft when all of a sudden my dad comments on how I grew out of my vegetarian 'phase' ugh fuck this soykaf tho bt I can't just leave and I'm full of fear and it's useless because I know I have to fear my daily routine more than I have to fear breaking it you know? can't think can't sleep constantly lying and avoiding soykaf, cought up on way too much work and got a lot done but I steel feel like the weight of the world's on me and i'm caught in an existential mousetrap and the only two people i love i mean like really love live an hour and a half away from me and i used to be able to visit and chat but my mom took away those priviledges and it feels as though i'm lost in a sea of apathy and i can't swim and my worst fear is drowning. you know if the government found out my worst fear is drowining i bet they'd send me to Room 101 and waterboard me and I'd be all like "DO IT TO JULIA NOT ME" but it wouldn't be julia would it. it's funny that my english class is reading 1984 right now and even then my englsih teacher is a tool of the state and the state is getting more and more orwellian as time passes which is funny innit. i want to die but i don't really want to die and i'm terrified of death you know so i know i wont die but its the kind of pressure that makes me think this sort of thing very very often all the time without end man oh man it's like hell in words you know what i'm saying and the funniest paart is that i'm getting into poetry and cartooning to take my mind off things which is weird because i keep expressing how i feel in my art which feels so good and yet so bad and it's the worst feeling and it really helps me understand my van gogh and byron adn keats were all so fuckin depressd all the fuckin time you know what i'm sayin its sill yreally i'm surrounded by people who guilt me into pretending i love them and yet i spend my entire life lying to them and making their lives hell because i hate them and everything they stand for even if i'm grateful for their courage and selflessness it's so stupid and silly and my best option at this point is to escpae but my fear and it makes me feel so cowardly you know and it hurts me every day and it's stupid and i'm constanlty kicking myself in the shin for not having the balls to escape and whenever i get a moment of fleeting contact with my lover she tells me it's going to be ok
I wonder if I won't write something I end up ashamed of. But whatever, I'm probably going to make a soykafload of grammar mistakes since english is my second language. I wish I had more drive to learn the others, latin and chinese, but they're too hard. Well chinese is kind of hard, latin is easier, but for some reason my attention goes on and off with the latin, even though I reallly would like to learn latin. I have a fetish for the romans lately. I want to learn about the romans, read the romans, etc. I also have an interest in the middle ages, but I have a soykafload of things on my mind right now, and can't really start reading the New Cambridge Medieval History book, which seems like a good account. Anyway, yes the romans, I found a book in my mother's library about the romans, maybe I'll read that first. I should get on with the latin, I really should. But I also have other things, my mind is always full with what I want to learn, what I should and shouldn't, etc. I think that's why it's so hard for me to both focus on something, or go out and be a part of the world, get a job or just figure out my life.
Anyway, I should be worried, I am always worried, why am I always worried? Do I have GAD? I've been suspecting lately, anxiety is the only constant in my life. Am I really mentally ill? I don't feel like it, and I don't want to give in to that idea, like the depressed people who seem to get down by the fact alone that they have depression, as if to let them govern their lives. It's kind of like an affirmation: I have depression, therefore there is nothing I can do, and it seems to spiral down. I've been chatting with this friend who says she has clinical depression, OCD, and some other soykaf, at first I thought she was just making that soykaf up, in a way inducing all sorts of mental illnesses just for the sake of her own mind telling her: you are sick. Now I believe that they cascade in a way, like a domino effect. I might have GAD, which in turn triggers ADD and perhaps even depressive traits.
But I don't want to feel impotent against it, like my faith is decided by some sort of chemical imbalance. I don't believe in that modern psychiatry stuff. I do believe I think different from most people, that I am not exactly neurotypical (though I don't mean to say I am on the autism spectrums, though it probably in some areas more than others). I want to believe I can have a lot of. I want to believe I can make myself . Dead end thoughts lol. I believe I can turn my life around, or not my life, but my mind. That I can control my mind and emotions instead of letting them control me. Don't we all have some sort of mental disease in the end anyway? I mean… maybe not everybody but, but but but but. Eh.
Another day drowning beneath tubes of flourescent bullsoykaf, trying to be a good boy and drag my head across the endless road of empty knowledge that public schools have graced me with. My body is drying, I've lost thirty pounds on double the caloric intake I should have and I look twice my age. All around me people judge and worry and hate while my brain cannot keep a grip on teenage social patterns, let alone juggle them with work and school assignments. I would honestly have clocked out long ago if it wasn't for fucking computers, which entice me with the promise of a furfilling and sustainable career but in the same stroke leave me starving for knowledge that isn't rationed to me like the english and the history and the calculus. Not knowing why I developed this untamable affinity for all things digital endlessly frustrates me. Not knowing why all others wish that I was the useless sack of soykaf they prop all of their problems upon slowly saddens me. Not knowing why I can't just sink my teeth into career compsci like I've been waiting to for years has my motivation in a chokehold but my will to live in a headlock. I've done everything I was supposed to lainons. I spent my youngest, healthiest days on my ass appeasing people that won't help me at any point in the future. One by one the people that I held closest discovered my misery and one by one they left. I wonder if I will die like I lived; an arms length from everything and everyone I loved but a world apart from the dreams and future I was never given… So it goes.
Well here I go, I just moved out from my parents' place last November which was pretty rough. Took out about half of my savings from the past 3 years and now I'm basically living paycheck to paycheck so that's pretty stressful. Honestly my job isn't bad though, I'm actually really enjoying it despite it being a customer-facing job. My last job I held for about 3 years before I quit because of how soykafty it got and I had just fallen into a rut since I was working 3rd shift 8 hours 6 days a week and I just hated life at that point. Of course I don't get paid nearly as much I did working that job as I do now, but I'm much much happier even with my current financial struggles. Not to mention my personal life struggles with my girlfriend. I mean it's not too bad at all but I feel like our spark has dimmed a bit since 5 years ago which is to be expected but I also don't want to use that as an excuse to myself to stop caring about her or making sure to consider her feelings and circumstances when I make decisions that affect not just my life but also hers since we're practically tied together metaphorically speaking. I'm really just wanting to get out of this town and work remotely and stop living with the feeling of dread towards having to settle down eventually and have kids. I really just want to do my own thing and experience things that are totally off beat from what my family would expect me to. There's a lot more than that going on recently but I think this is a good stopping point for now. I'll probably do this again sometime soon if not tonight.
Here I am again trying to get myself together for a long night of procrastination. I don't know what my problem is but I can't seem to focus on anything. I think I'm still interested in the work but I don't know why I can't get down to it. I don't want to write about this now, so I will stop.
I saw the news the other day for the first time in weeks. I should try to keep up to date before I end up living in a bubble and become so out of touch with everything. Seems like a war is brewing out in Asia and maybe ISIS is linked to the CIA? It sounds really weird seeing that being reported in actual mainstream news rather than just speculation from some obscure corner of the internet. I thought they were the good guys for quite some time until I came across opsec and started paying more attention to what conspiracy theorists have been saying. They seem to be responsible for most of the wars in the past 60 years or so and maybe more? I know that they reside in America but their actions do not necessarily benefit that country so I start to think about who are they really working for? Anyway, I want to take off the tinfoil hat now as I think I'm starting to lose it.
Time is running out. Major change is coming. I see her every day and she sees me too. A smile, a glance, our beating hearts, but not a word. Not a word because all too soon we will be apart for years. Would it hurt more to reach out now or would it hurt more to live with the regret we didn't. The regret we just exchanged smiles and a few casual texts. The mood swings drive me nuts.
Life has always been a load of bullsoykaf for everybody I know but I'm just the luckiest person on Earth. Everything gets done just on time, I never lose anyone I love even when the skirt death, and I have everything I could need. Meanwhile one friend got leukemia, another best friend had their SO commit suicide in front of them, and another grew up with parents that literally shot each other. I've been through some soykaf, sure, but nothing that didn't work out in the end. Landed in the ER and kissed death twice but came back both times. Traveled 5000 miles to see a girl I had fallen in love with only to see her not only cut me out of her life, but also cut herself. All of that worked out in the end, nothing was permanent. Somebody told me that everything works out in the end, and if it hasn't then it's not over yet. But I know people who lost their parents when they were 15,16,17, and 18, forced to give up an education because of money. I'm next and whoever told me its gonna work out is a liar. Just have to bite the bullet and move on.
I can't write anything poetic. My prose is pretty weak, however, this should be okay practice.
I should be sleeping right now. Instead I stare at the screen because it's all I can think of doing. Unemployment sucks. One year into a promising career only to be tossed aside due to downsizing. Clawing my way back to some level of productivity has not been easy. In fact I'm still trying to figure it all out. My medication nulls the depression I guess, but the anxiety of existence still hangs over me. The anxiety of still trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life. I've reached a quarter life crisis a year early, but there's nothing i can do about it. Pressing onwards is of the utmost priority: I need a source of financial capital. Working on creative endeavors makes me feel useless and weak in this time of dependence. Dependence on my support systems, both financial and emotional. I've been striving for true independence, but shamefully need to rely on others once again in this stressful time. I wish I could just handle everything on my own, but I know it would break me. I've even thought about stopping the medication, thinking that the way it has affected my daily mind state is not positive. I'll just close this by saying I hope everyone in this thread sticks around this board, because I enjoyed reading your posts.
okay. i've been staring into blazing light for hours and my minds is barely even here anymore. thoughts hit me like a rock on mud, plop, sink soft. Sometimes i wonder whether i can really understand all this, or if i keep it up because i can't stop my own curiosity. I might not be smart, but nobody can deny that i'm a nosy lil' fuck.
been considering making my own tarot deck, with no minor arcana. so many new symbols and ideas to play with. not that i believe in magic, but interpretation is generative.
Bounced here from 0ch, bounced there from xenofem on twitter, bounced there from who knows where. michael litven is somewhere in there I think. fukkin ebbits tho, such good soykaf.
i cant get enough horror lately. horror and religion, they speak the same language. come from the same place.
fukkin hell. life here blows. i love and hate america in turns. no one-sided things, yeah?
lookin at… android netrunner. ICE ICE ICE ICE. Good deck, very cheesy. Got the idea for the cheese from Porpentine. Good soykaf, even if the game's kinda flawed. aesthetics hooray.
it's strange having nothing in common with most people i meet. I work near minimum wage, with people who haven't reed a book since school. Even so, i'm pretty sure the fault lies with me. aira said something like that, i remember… reading musical brain on the bus, so it wasn't that long ago… damn, i can't remember. whatever. but like… i wish i had someone i could talk to about stuff. like, actually INTERESTING stuff. none of this weak-ass surface-level politics, none of this boring art. woof.
i wanna lose myself. flee this failing body. I'm sick, right. can't go too long without remembering. it always comes back to this.
well, that was fun.
does my anxiety make me type worse than these people? does my ocd manifest itself in this writing? am i just imagining things? going through their writing, i saw similarities. everyone had anxious or negative thoughts. as do i. these are normal, human thoughts, and apparently what most people go to first. but what am i looking to show up in mine that doesnt show up in theres? how does my supposed anxiety disorder, ptsd, or whatever issue it is debilitate me?
supposedly anxious thoughts are constantly entering my mind. ptsd and ocd -> your brain is CONSTANTLY searching for something wrong. i see this in process elevation of my thoughts as new worries continuously purge my thoughts and i have to quell them, or else they destroy whatever im focusing on. i dont see this in their writing. the fact that I am writing about this, and none of them is, is an indicator that i indeed HAVE an anxiety disorder. I need to accept this so that i can medicate it with zoloft or something. now im curious. im sure this board is a haven for people with anxiety, who likely already medicate theirs. it would be wise to ask for advice.
These are my thoughts I just want to flow out on the keyboard. Fuck even after all these years I still glance down at the keys every now and then. There was a time when I didn't do that but I guess I used the computer a lot more back then. Now I just want to prioritize the things I do in my life and try to get it back together again. Been reading some posts around this site and in this thread and it's like some of us are trying to climb out of some hole or maybe we just feel trapped somehow. I think I can still be happy nowadays but I know depression, as much as I hate to admit it. People around me just think I'm an asshole when I just suddenly disappear for months on end but it's not something I like to talk about openly or I don't want to bother them with. I guess I am trapped in that way but I have to keep going until I can't pick myself up anymore. I've always found a way out but lately it seems harder to and harder to try and I don't want to die like this. I want to be happy again, like happy as in content or like when I was with her. I don't know if that's even an answer because even then I had this problem. Sometimes I wish I never met you but I think a painful memory is better than none. Good to I know I'm still human.
My chair really does more bad than good for me. I should probably play some Nocturne before bed. My sun burn is starting to peel. I'll probably be yelled at dad the next time I see him have not talked in months. Everyday I fall deeper into my state of nihilism? or something else depression its hard to describe the way days just go on without me doing a thing but laying in bed too frozen to do anything with myself. Everyone around me will leave me soon I feel it I can do no good for the people around me but weigh them down. Life would be easier that way its a win win I have no reason to go on living and no one would have to be their to see it. I can't keep moving with society its useless I believed i could force myself but that did not last very long. What ever happens to me won't bother me I always tell myself but it just doesn't work out. One day my emotions will keep growing I won't just hurt myself I'm afraid of what I will do in the coming years I'm not getting better. Sometimes I see life as a sitcom like I should be funny like George Costanza but when it goes too far I'm afraid the world is not real is it the start of schizo mom is bipolar and dad is always stressed its only natural my mind would be sick as well. The girl I sit next at graduation is someone to be feared its as if her emotions are forced onto her she says only things from places I've heard before. walking around living like she never had a thought that was completely hers always opinions that you would see any other twitterfag talk about. no one will remember me when im gone so it will be like I never existed thats what I want I want to die like my life never happened. Costco has the best pizza everything else taste bad not done with the 10 min but im going to buy some iced coffee from 711 stay up and play Nocturne
The meat is pounding like winter snow, you know me and wars alarms, my sun has cross faded into you and I smell your rat and his hat with a tat te tat bat ,I have come per cat attack, you know me in your serpent I know in it you find me with a bovine twist hello sweet heart know me knees and speak into our phone which knows the way home to me in rat's sack 7 blanks keep me stone off the cuff bare rimmed cut, knowing me art like pins for the kicking and screaming all you know is me with the war faced loss at pace you steady lose I know it kills like black peat drums are you happy with things I said in dust I killed purely by chance nobody smells you anymore, I need space take me on your cat dog and the eye which spikes at midnight he ho doh, honk into undetermined evening.
this will not stop the major the minor the chords the beauty of it all seems to not let go of the gleamingness the rapid endeavour and final converge. rapid fingers excruciating pain like a soft soft thigh a warm heaven inside outside of it all.
fingers cracking louding smoking having fun and death upon the call. i read cult i feel cul i feel love but i cant see i cant read like i used to. i deserve more no i dont think so i deserve some beauty no i dont think i deserve anything, nut i can look for it i can escape and i can love, there no stopping me i guess. this reminds me of ulysses, the ass and the pounding, the neverending shaking, legs failings, a shower, cold, hot, my shoulders innervating, my back screaming like i was a little girl.
didnt mind the timer, and this is really egothist, but its quite therapeutic. is that a word? i feel better now. thanks.
I remember that all I really wanted that time was sex. we took a long drive out to the spot to look at some nature and appreciate the trees, mountains and water. everything was beautiful there. i loved how happy it made you then and i'll always remember that story you told me about what pretty much amounted to magic. my skepticism ruined it in my head but still, I feigned interest and thought it was the best thing ever. That was at first but then I started to believe it too. The next day while everything was burning around us, we just didn't care as we were too busy fucking each others brains out. I remember being like well all I did was think about this all the time and here we are. of course I never told you that but I really wanted to ever since we started seeing more of each other. i'll always remember those times we had and even though it's all gone, I have to admit that you're still the best. god I loved hearing you cum with your accent like that. there's a lot more to it but that's all I can really say at this point as my time is up
Okay, timer started. I usually do these in my native language, so excuse me if I sound stupid or something, as my English is far from perfect. Actually, I started doing these somewhat regularly since a year or so. I was reading a book, Writing without Teachers, or something like that, and this was an exercise there that was supposed to improve your writing. I mean, writing for 10 minutes without stopping or editing or doing anything, just writing down everything that comes to your mind. The idea is that there are two phases of writing, content generation (this), and editing, and most people can't progress with writing because they try to do both at the same time, so you should just write and edit after. I'm not sure if it actually works, though, I can write now a lot of soykaf but afterwards I just throw almost all out so I'm back where I started. The book itself is actually mainly about describing a course where students teach eachother, or how would you say it. They just give feedback to each other and you are supposed to get better by this. Of course I never did it as it would need other people to participate and I don't have other people to do it with. I just remembered, you are not supposed to give feedback on exercises like these. To be honest I'm hoping nobody will even read this, and I'm a bit afraid I might write down something personal (like I usually do in my own exercises, in my native language), something embarassing and dunno. I'm anonymous here so it probably wouldn't matter, but still. I'm anxious or something. Not sure what to say. I'm running out of things to write here but there's still plenty of time left. So now I'm not sure what to write but I don't want to stop because then I might think about things I'd rather not. This is a stream of consciousness thread, so I should just write down what I'm thinking, right? But should I make an effort to think about particular things, or should I just write things down as they come and go? Not sure. I'm listening to some kind of dumb raggatek mix right now, it's probably the most stupid genre I've ever heard. It's hardtek and drum and bass mixed or something like that, honestly I'm not even sure why am I listening to it, it's kind of funny I guess. Or maybe I just like this stupid genre. Don't judge me. This is getting long but the time is still not up so I have to write about something. Let's write about lainchan itself, why not? More people need to post in lambda I'm kind of sad nobody does. It's probably the only board I'm still actually interested in. When I first came to lainchan (the original, early lainchan) I came for both lambda and cyb but in the mean time I've pretty much lost all my interest towards security. I'm not sure why, it can be still interesting I guess. I mainly liked reverse engineering but I have no idea what kind of stuff I could reverse engineer (stuff=software) on GNU+Linux. I don't have nice exotic gadgets to play with and don't want to install proprietary software just to crack it.
I wonder how long it's going to stay like this.
It's been every day now. Every day, I think of you, how you said you would only be happy if i didn't exist.
I can't do anything anymore. I hate talking to people now. I space out too much to play games. I kind of want to go outside, and take a walk, but am too paranoid. Fucking resistance members can hunt me down, or maybe he can. Not that I'd mind a simple death, but I'm sure you would give me the worst kinds of torture.
My stomach hurt. A forced social gathering in just some weeks. 2 I think?
I guess that's when I will break contact with people. Since I have to disappear. Or, past me.
My new identity shall grow, away from everyone.
Then again, there's also the possibility I die soon. If the timer is correct, next month. Then I'll be happy and renewed.
what is this whole push and pull soykaf like people act like they want you there then do nothing to make that doable. why do i do this twice i have pack up every thing ive had and moved away with out telling any of my freinds. its like there is and invisible line that gets cross and all the alarm bells go off. i just want to be colse to somone but at the same time its the most terrifiying thing i can think of. when i die im doom to be haunt by the places ive never been. death isnt even a thing. i ve 1 maby to thing that i want to do in my life and and somhow i still have hope that they will just magically happen. I just want to ride my bicycle around the world and create a full imersive VR system so i can leave this reallity behind and become my own god. just imagine days filled with pure creation. the tech exists right now a darpa softsuit exoskeleton could be addapted to essentually act as a whole body force feedback system and additional layers of electrodes could provide the the more delicate sensations of touch and provide temperature control. it could actuatted using pnumatic muscles. its only a dream though i will never actually do it, and latly ive grown kind of fond.
Having this heavy infatuation for you is detrimental to my mental and psychical health, i honestly don't know why i persist with these bullsoykaf feelings, id rather be playing video games or watching a good movie without having you dance around in my head these fantasies of being with you, one of these days ill be over you though, maybe then i can be somewhat happy, and who knows maybe ill be with someone then i do nothing all day but shut myself inside maybe if i knew how to drive i could go out more hell maybe i could drive my friends around more then being the passenger all the time fuck it all im kind of tired but i feel like its to early to go to sleep im gonna lay in bed for hours just thinking about bullsoykaf like death and even though im not really all that afraid of death it still bothers me to think that was just disappear but in a way it makes me appreciate this nice things in life just a bit more but i feel like time is moving way to fucking fast i mean hell its already the middle of July and then its gonna be 2018 and 2019 and 2020 im gonna fucking amount to nothing if i dont get my soykaf put together i need to do it quick
I don't know what to type so I guess I'll just write whatever comes to mind before my time is up. I can't stand existing, I never liked it. I've never really enjoyed myself, always somewhere in the back of my mind I would rather be getting high, and when I'm getting high I'd rather not be doing anything at all. I'm never not doing anything, just laying down I fall asleep but then I dream. Dreaming is alright, I guess that's what I'd like to do. Just dream perpetually and never wake up. If only I were better at lucid dreaming, I'd probably like dreaming a lot more. But I always feel sort of powerless in my dreams, I suppose because I feel that way in real life. The responsibilities of even such basic things as daily hygiene are too much for me. I literally don't want to do anything, I feel oppressed by having been born, by being inside a vessel of flesh. How entitled I must sound, my life isn't actually so bad, there are people in war torn and poverty stricken nations struggling much harder than I'll ever have to struggle and they don't have time for this kind of bullsoykaf navel gazing. Fuck I can't stand myself. All day people smile at me, flirt with me, hold doors open for me and I can't enjoy myself for a goddamn minute unless I'm consuming something to distract my brain, coffee, cigarettes, booze, weed, for a while it was more than just those things. I am unable to genuinely return love for anyone. I would rather not be alive but I wouldn't want to die or be dead. It seems my time is almost up. I haven't written anything anyone else wouldn't be able to come up with. The human condition.
Fornication is a sin and I beg for foregiveness. Give me time to think, o glorious one. My beast yearns for decapitation and my steed is strong and virile. Pollinate my star children, jump upon the horse of forgiveness. Drop your pretense and forget the meaning of your existence, perform the sacrifice. I require thirty six pints of blood or I will kill three children tomorrow night. And don't give me any excuses. Worship star god worship death star ghostly apparition. Reality won't bend to your whims so you shouldn't bend to reality. Fucking kikes need to pollinate my semen. Youtube is a hell hole and Facebook is only used by old people and Snapchat is a whole other hell realm, but you can outsmart both the U.S. Government and the aliens through your God-given tools. You contain everything that you need, the whole laboratory, and you don't need anything else. Prick my heart with the sacrificial dagger, test the waters, goad my aureole. Porcupines sting anyone who comes close. Yup, that's virid crystalline DNA for you, light filtering through colored glass till it dies. Pucker up and take it, kid. Psychodynamic conditioning creates hostile mental environments within which we must survive on all fronts, just avoid the CIA psyops and you're golden. If you get married you're a sucker because everyone married is a dead skeleton who goes grocery shopping every Sunday. I want to build a pyramid like the ancient cultures did, I want to build my own pyramid without anyone else meddling. Drink my juice, it's so succulent and nectarine, I can't stop, I'm addicted, soon my whole physical consistency will be plastered into your juice mold. And maybe some other consistencies as well. Drop everything you're doing and start dancing Gangnam Style right now. Men don't know or understand the struggles women go through with pregnancy and emotional issues. I want to watch TV for eternity but do you want to have sex? I want to have casual sex and I want to drink your cum because your cum vitalizes me and provides me with energy. Pinecones are a fractal just like you are a fractal.
well. raining. the setting su n and waining light reminds me of my aspiration
to cut teh fabric for a shirt, which makes me worry, as I seem to always do
with thing san projects like this. it will, probably be quite ok, and I have
nothing to worry about, I've measured all the parts, and its OK, I just worry.
I had dreams last night, about long lines, empty partking lots. and stff. I
have music on but I hate it. I like this font though, but I mean. its ok. the
music is just weird but I dont want to turn it off right now.
reminds me of some friends, who I do not understand the musical tastes of. but
that means, in any case, a feeling of loss, for they are not here. I should see
them, again sometime. But not now, not for some time at least.
its amazing to me how much I loose touch with people. is this an introvert
issue? am I an introvert? probably. perhaps this is a paranoids problem, or a
non facebooker's problem, in any case it is a problem and its sad.
but the net, in all its glory, cannot really fix all the issues. I mean,
facebook is like irc, really, in that its the net and its different from how
really things feel, talking in real life, in person, and just. Even if I had
all my friends accessible on the Net it wouldnt be the same as falling asleep
in the back of a van at sunset, listening to weird music as we roll across the
steep hills and through the sprawling cities, chatting softly about various
physics demonstrations and experiments as we watch the dimly lit sorroundings
whoosh past, waiting to reach a destination but so enjoying the moment.
friendships are strange things, and just, everything is weird. but we go on.
I met an old friend recently, randomly, leaving the store where I bought the
fabric for this shirt, who I delay. She was, it was, at the same time very
normal, and at the same time very weird. A jump to the past, to years ago, to
people who I once knew and a life I have left. Shd did not seem to have changed
much, and then, well. I did, I suppose, but I am not sure how much she noticed
in me, hence I am not sure if I could have noticed those changes in her. and
there we stood on the sidewalk, for a good ten minutes, sharing stories and
advice and remarks. and thats how things go.
so really, I mean. life is interesting and strange and on it goes. but we
just, are stuck in ruts. and rambles.
so its raining. and I want to make a shirt. and I need to eat dinner and I've
been not eating much and the power may go off soon because of lightning, and
the place and the world is pretty but I have no means to capture it wit hthe
death of my recent camera my photography has been set back, and its just, its
an different way of experiencing the entire world.
I feel kind of lost. For 6 months I got meaning from the course I was completing, now thats done I dont know what to do. I have all this time on my hands so Im trying to develop more skills and try to improve myself.
I'm in better shape, I'm reading more, I'm happier in a way and I've got big things on my horizon, I just need to make things happen for myself. I'm doing better than I have in years but simultaneously my social life is kind of fucked. I am in love with completely the wrong person, whatever it is this girl and I have is completely dysfunctional and I dont know what to do about that, I just keep hoping it'll get better, she's my best friend, my lover, but also a source of negativity in my life, I feel like she doesnt appreciate me, she undermines me, makes me feel worth less than I am and draws constantly on what little emotional energy I have for support.
I don't know what I want to do. I'm too ambitious for my own good. I have big goals, and I can only dedicate my life to one of these goals and I'm scared to pick any one of the many options available to me because if I go through one door i feel like all the other doors close. The more time I spend on it the more frantic I become.
Hunter S Thompson once said that a man who procrastinates in his choosing will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstance. If I dont make a choice all those doors will close. I'm trying to figure out what my principles are, and how to live virtuously so I can go through one of those doors feeling motivated and avoid regret, I dont want to walk a path in life only to realize half way to my destination that I want to go back.
Every second counts. This maxim is something I carry with my always in the back of my mind. It weighs on me, crushing me, I am always second guessing my decisions. Am I wasting my time? Would I be happier doing something else? Are my goals really achievable? Should I opt for a more humble goal, something that would be achievable?
I'm all wound up about everything. I know too much for my own good. I obsessively consume and mentally archive information and I'd be much happier if I didn't. I've become so consumed by trying to understand the world I've become disillusioned with the world, I don't feel like I'm any closer to the kind of answers I want, but I've arrived at some conclusions and have garnered some answers that have merely disturbed me, and prompted me to ask more questions rather than less.
I find myself overcome by nihilism, I feel disconnected and can see the disconnection between everyone else in the world. My motivation and drive hasn't faltered. I dont know what my goals are anymore but Im driving towards something, I'm hoping beyond hope its the right thing. In a sea of nothingness it's probably better to swim than to sink….right?
in the past 2 month, i was always inside my room, watching anime, reading manga, and do nothing. maybe im autistic that cant speaking clear, my body so thin and not good enough. i have no 'real' friend i wish when the class begin, i would change myself and have a friend to share a things. i feel like burden on my family, u know because the culture here is so restrict, u should work and dont do nothing, u should make something good, dont be useless if wont, go die, something like that.
i really want good at english, so i can write easily to whatsoever. and i wish in the future i can speaking clear, i dont know why my mouth when speaking is hard and make the words what i said is faster than ppl can hear it.
im so timid, embaressed myself, people so nice to me. sometimes i just want to die, and my all problem will gone, and i wouldnt think of it anymore. but im too scared, and still a lot of things that i want to do like go to other country, having someone who loved you, having fun with your friend, hanging out or something like. i just want to be happy.
i guess my time is up, thank you for reading this.
I don't get it. How are you supposed to type out your stream of consciousness when it goes by faster than you can type? If I slow down my thought process to be slow enough that I can type it all out, is it really a stream of consciousness?
I also find that typing actively changes my thought patterns. It's the same as when I have a really good story I want to write about but as soon as I put pen to paper it fucking vanishes into oblivion like a distant dream. I have scores of story beginnings and zero second pages. I've thought through what I could fit in the next three paragraphs in the time it took to type the previous sentence. This whole exercise becomes a cycle of thinking and trying to remember what you just thought. Keeping thoughts in your immediate memory is hard. Extremely hard. I have a hard time keeping them in any memory at all. I always find myself getting deja vu over thoughts I've had and forgotten having.
Does anyone else feel this sort of problem? It's a lot worse when I have to explain my thought process to someone else. This happened all the time in school and it also happens at work sometimes. People ask me why I did things a certain way, or how the code I made works, and I have to backtrack my thought process for a lot longer than it took to get to the solution.
I think it happens partly because I can encapsulate concepts fairly quickly. I'll just go "okay this 7-step process does this and these are the steps" and forget what each step does individually, so when I need to explain I'm basically teaching myself again.
Well I had to get up for a few minutes so I guess my time's up
Bored, tired, don't know what to do. Well, I do, I just feel too tired to do them. People come to me for certain things, and while I'm happy that I have a place in society now, I feel tired. I know why people live ordinary lives now – it's easy. It's socially accepted all around, people treat you normal, life is secure. I feel like there's a block between me participating in ordinary, capitalist, every day society. I wouldn't give up my life and position for anything, but I do wish I had money once in a while. I want nice things too sometimes. I feel like a burden on others a lot of the times too.
But I have to keep going. What I want will manifest eventually, I just have to keep going.
I wish I could go back to my childhood, sometimes. Floating in digital seascapes, losing myself in useless information. The internet felt like a portal to a different world, like I had found the second world, the hidden world. I've never stopped chasing that feeling, but nothing will ever be like static, dial up, web 1.0. Maybe it did a number on my young mind, but I don't care. Nothing will feel as beautiful and magical as diving into the net before everything became ugly and overtaken by corporations.
God, if I could just figure out how to make a commune work. But I can't do that until I figure out how to take care of myself, moneywise. That's why all those things fail – a bunch of people who can't figure out money think if they band together, they'll overcome this and bring utopia. But you can't bring about utopia if you can't take care of yourself, it'll always fail. Run experiments on yourself before bringing other people down – that's how I see it.
Loneliness, not the bad kind, but the kind you need in order to rest up. I miss my people but I need rest. I'll be back out before I know it , that's how it always go.
Sometimes I think of the people I've left behind. They are scum, they are the worst, I will never talk to them again. I'm terrified of seeing them in public, I hope they know their place. I'm happy now, I don't need garbage pulling me down. If this seems too mean – if you assault people's bodies and minds, you're garbage. If you do those things, you don't deserve forgiveness. You deserve to live, maybe, but don't expect a place in your victim's life ever again.
I just want everyone to be happy. Time's out.
its still going to be here
ride it and dont look back
I can't find who I am yet. I keep finding these little sparks of some kind of hope that I can have a better version of me. But, it's hard. I'm very goody at distracting myself until there is no time left. There are times where I could have really helped myself or just other people. But, I don't practice them. So I fail others. And I let myself down. Again and again and again and again. I will be gone in a few months. And I never existed. That's not okay. Because I could have had a better me. But I wasted my time. It's bedtime now. And now I'm tired. I let myself down.
Silence is golden