I have 4-5 things I want to write down and I can't chain them nicely at all.
First off, forget the magic ball. Thinking about "why" is like trying to pick a computer apart; you will eventually find a way to pick it apart, and while you do the computer loses its functionality. You will never have a meaning to your life that will withstand all the doubt you can throw at it.
Second, nihilism is flawed reasoning. A lot of people, upon realizing that any meaning given to life can be picked apart (just like any human can be killed, every feeling described as chemicals in your brain), they suddenly disclaim that there is no (objective) meaning at all. That's like saying there are no living humans at all, or no feelings at all. Meaning can be picked apart and destroyed precisely because it's in a two-ways relation with other things. Displace those other things, and you've displaced meaning; put those other things in place, and meaning will happen. It indeed won't be the eternally-shining-infinite-power-hope-giving-magical-girl-angel that some people think it is. Like I said, no magic ball.
Third, the world is more complex than you. You are part of it regardless of any "me vs the world" distinction you might harbor, and so whatever is in your head, whatever precise facts or deeply abstract theories, you won't be able to change them into one another, you will not understand most of the world. You are complex enough to understand just one or a few things though, if you mostly disregard their connections to everything else. This is great news: you can understand one thing so well that it becomes meaningless, but if you have many important things in your life, it will become too difficult to take apart, and thus will remain meaningful.
Fourth, the problem of supply/demand. Most of your troubles seem to come from not having enough people that love you / you love, while IIRC you mentioned in the previous thread that you're destroying high school. It's clear as day that you have too much of one thing and too little of other things; This is especially a problem because you always had easy school and had that one person for a long time. Your academic success feels like a given, and no amount of conscious effort can change that; you'll need something tough enough to make you fail, but not so tought that you give up. You also need to find several pePost too long. Click here to view the full text.