loneliness <= boredom <= hungerHey so I have this sort of theory or take on the relationship between hunger, boredom and loneliness.
Ｍ Ｏ Ｍ Ｅ Ｎ Ｔ ＳShare a short experience you recently had.
advice to stop online stalkingThis is my first post on this chan site so I apologize if it reeks of newfag
Confessions GeneralThread for Alice to make confessions about life or feelings without restraint.
Does memory ever reset?I had 3 serious girlfriends in my life, and even tough some stories happened years ago they still keep me up at night. I never had issues socializing, i'm a higly functional person in this society, and i have more serious problems like probably becoming unemployed in the near future or the world slowly turning into a distopia, so how can such stupid things like average romantic human relationships be so destructive and override all the rest?
Turning 30So I will be 30 soon. Alongside the fact I feel nostalgia for the world of my high school years, I feel like I don't know what I am becoming.
Late Nights.Why do you stay up late?
FriendsAnyone here wants to make new friends? Feels lonely or feels that they're missing something? I think it could be fun making friends here! There are lots of interesting people here! To start just try to write a bit about yourself and what kind of friend you want. Don't forget to include a way to contact you. You can use the following template:
RelationshipHey, I discovered this forum yesterday and now I already feel like this is the right place to get some outsiders opinion about my relationship.
DichotomiesMaybe what i am describing is a normal humane condition. However for some reason my psyche interprets this functioning as something that does not work right. Internally i live in an idealistic world, with beautiful aesthetics. Let's say my "inner" vision, the one my imagination and abstract thinking creates is always "paraphrasing" the world around it. It takes the saturation and changes it, it views the physical plain from different angles that satisfy my hunger for cinematographic aesthetics. It speaks fables to itself about true love and the most altruistic and humanistic ideals, filled with perfection (perfect for me at least) and poetic reasoning. In contrast the other world is filled with real-life objective (as objective as something can be) reasoning. Cold, calculating, dragged and slammed in the pavement. Every response is as rational as it can be. The aesthetics change they are monochromatic or blueish in a sense, it's the world i have to live most of my life in. The problem is no that the latter world exists, cause i feel that i would embrace such thinking. The problem is the dichotomy itself is so strong that i cannot pick a side to advocate, I have seen a lot of people being either in one of the two sides, expressing themselves through only ONE of these sides. But for me i switch from glasses to glasses. The inner one i can only express and merge it with the outer one only when i write (short stories or poems). However feeling that i always have to switch mindses and to keep some short of invisible balance within me, no being able to chose a side makes me feel alienated. Even by people that express the inner world of mine.
Escaping baselss depressionFor the longest time, I've been almost completely unwilling to do anything but lay around and feel either empty or sad all day. Nothing is fun, and though I still occasionally work on things because I feel like I have a moral obligation to, in truth I just wish someone would kill me in my sleep so I wouldn't have to deal with being alive anymore. Work just seems like an inherently bad thing to me, regardless of what I'm doing, and death is a preferable alternative to doing just about anything. But the weird thing is, there really isn't a good reason for me to feel this way; I have friends who care about me, I'm doing well in school, and I have all the free time I need to do whatever hobbies I want. So why in the world have I been feeling so depressed for the past several months, when in theory I have everything I could reasonably want? Have you ever felt this way? How did you manage to get out of it? Thanks in advance, Alice.
When was your most loneliest?For the past 3 years I have gone out to socialize 2 or 3 days at maximum. I used to have a girlfriend, some friends that I used to see time to time, but now it feels like a different life. I don't have any social media accounts tied to my legal identity (I don't even upload profile pictures to messaging applications). I am not complaining because I chose this, my life goals require me to control/numb my social drives and focus solely on improving my skills. I have been trying to cope with major symptoms (depression, being prone to addiction) through meditation/mindfulness exercises. Loneliness also made me more perceptive, I am better able to analyze situations almost like a computer, but it also made me more self-centered, less sensitive to others' feelings, like my brain's neuroplasticity starts to adapt being lonely and surviving on my own. But I am afraid, what if I lose my mind and start doing retarded soykaf? What I am doing is already retarded soykaf in a sense but what I mean is I don't want to cross over to the la la land, like drawing pictures on the wall and soykaf.
I fucked up my whole lifeAfter graduating high school I became a neet for two years. And then I went to a university unwillingly because of my parents forced me to do something with my life. I failed to pass the first grade twice. I didn't even have the balls to tell my parents about that. I am twenty two years old guy with no talent . How somebody recover from this? I have no self discipline no self care, I don't have any hobbies except playing vidya.
Suicidal "wishes"Where are you supposed to go when you're feeling suicidal but don't have any ideation?
/++++/+/+/[silence]i think i want to go mute. not permanently, just for a few months. still talking for things like academics, but i write, i don't have much verbal needs irl for money. i don't know why i want to do this. not depression perse, almost a feeling of purging? have any of you gone mute or considered it? i don't know what input im looking for, but im curious what you all have to say. :+)
Can't 'Deal With It' AnymoreThere's a girl in my class that I really don't understand. I really hate her and her friends, because basically they're just a bunch of delinquents. She doesn't do any homework, doesn't wear our school uniform, does makeup and looks like a sculpture (thinks that she is pretty, but she just looks like a clown), asks if I have any cigs just to bully me and there are so many more. She doesn't enter her classes most of the time and last week when there was a roll call, she wasn't in the class. Afterwards she just replaced her number with mine and I was going to get suspended because of her. Our Principal noticed that and there was no problems, but I'm just full of anger now. I wrote a petition to the school, I'ts been almost 2 weeks since I wrote it looks like principal doesn't give a soykaf about it because they are tired of that girl. I am actually angry about this and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it because they don't listen to me. I really don't get people. It's okay if you don't want to come to class but why would do something like this? She did bully me a quite while ago for a long time too but it's all supposed to be over. I don't understand people, how come someone can't have the ability to think logically? It really shouldn't be so hard to use your brain, or think at least. She doesn't even have some common sense. As I keep seeing people like her, I just think that if we don't give them what they deserve, nothing is going to change and we won't be able to step forward. I'm just disgusted. I can't deal with this anymore.
EnvyWhen I watch movies, dramas, animes or anything like that, when it ends, i feel very empty and kind of jealous.
Personal experience with losing someoneMy grandfather just passed away. Yesterday we visited him where he would tell some of the old jokes he used to while falling asleep half way through telling them then waking up promptly and continuting. A week ago he would tell stories about his life when younger, something he didn't usually do. Today, at approx 5:20, he passed away. It's strange, I don't really feel sad nor anything else. It's as if this is just another normal day.
College / University: Experiences, RegretsIt's been nearly a year since I've graduated university, and I feel like I didn't really get much out of it educationally. There were a few classes which I enjoyed … But at least in my major (CS), some of the information from the important courses I had to take have mostly been forgotten by now – primarily in discrete math, and OS. I'm kicking myself in head over this as I have gained a renewed interest in those subjects but catching up from almost a beginner's level is frustrating. I wish I had put more into my studies. Granted some of the influencing factors were poor teaching and a meh CS program, but that's not a good-enough excuse. Luckily I was able to get a job in the industry (and I consider myself alright at my job) but I feel like an impostor.
my recent experience with systemspaceabout a week ago i was just minding my own business on the systemspace chat when someone mentioned rewire, i just downplayed their comment because the rewire community was falling apart pretty badly from what i was aware. i had also mentioned getting a friend into the community of systemspace. after a while of mindless chatting and watching stalker with the chat, i decided to go to bed. i woke up and checked the systemspace chat, realizing i couldnt sign in or make an account, so i checked my account and found that i was derezzed permanently for being "affiliated with anti-project communities". then, a few days later my friend was derezzed for a supposed "ban evasion". i paid no mind to this for a little while as i thought it was just mrsnoopdoge being salty again, but just recently when i checked my ban again, after a few failed appeals, this happened.
My only "friend" abandoned me.I have had this toxic person in my life for a while now. I know they are bad for me and just cause me grief. I loved them and they took my heart and crushed it and they can still smile knowing this. They used to be my only friend and more than that but now they are the only one who gives me any time of day and even they dont actually give a soykaf about me and are just my "firend" when ever its convenient for them.I cant avoid them because the way life is at the moment I cant get her out of it. I dont know why but I continued to spend time with them even after all the pain they caused me and ignored my attempts to make them understand. Now they are in a relationship and ditched spending time with me for them. I know when they break up they are just going to come back to me to entertain them so they dont have to be lonely and it pisses me off.I hate that im sad. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I continue to pay this soykafty person anymore mind. I hate that I let them affect how I feel. I hate that Im reacting this way. I hate I want them to still love me and care. It just hurts. I know I need to put on a brave face and just say f them and enjoy that they are less in my life but I just hurt at the moment. I dont know why or what to do anymore.
CoincidencesAs of late I am experiencing more odd coincidences. For example, I watched the first episode of Cowboy Bebop and a few hours later I read something completely new to me and it made a reference to that episode. I have noticed things like this happening a lot.
TSA Agent Was KawaiiDark room. Rare site. Always connected except tonight. I wake up clutching with a furious grip at the sound at my door. I loosen my hold and exhale. I spring up already dressed. Bags packed. Alarm sounds off as I walk out my home. In the car. On the road. In the airport lot. A final concious breath of icy air. Deep and controlled. Prelude.
hairwhat is your hair like naturally? do you cut it? is it important to you? what has it been like throughout the years?
weird as fuck school stories?I went behind the gym and there was these exercise mats a few years ago, behind those mats I saw a girl, just chilling on her Ipod. She left quickly after being discovered and I looked behind there and it was almost as if an entire base was set up there. soykaf was freaky.
removing feelsis it possible, through any means, to remove the feelings of sexual wants/needs? and the feeling of needing/wanting love? to help live a life of mostly isolation easier?
What to do in lifeI don’t know if this is the right place to post this but it’s about my feelings
Stream of Conscious : An ApologyA few years ago we met as complete strangers. You showed me around town, got a bite to eat and had some really amazing tea. We went to your home and we talked about your books that were all over the room and watched films. Movie was so good you must have forgotten that you wanted to move those books so I could sleep on the floor.
helpso yesterday i was at the mall with my parent and one of her friends, i have alot of trust issues and my parents friend brought her daughter. it was wired award but i enjoyed her. we had a talk for a bit and it was fun. me and my parent went home after 5 hours at the mall. later the next day my parent got into a argument with me (because not passing soykaf) she gives me soykaf like "your so smart" for me not to be pissed because she is a jackass about everything. she brings up last night and how she told her friends daughter to "hang out with me" this made me so fucking upset with myself. i told her "thats bullsoykaf" she told me "she was scared that i would ask a question that she didn't know". the worst part is that her friend was also scared of the same thing. i went to my room and cried, this didn't help the fact that most of the people i know i think hate me behind my back. i still feel like soykaf because now idk if my friends irl were told to be friends with me. it freaks me out, not knowing who is real or not. what is the best way to cope with this im scared to ask anyone because it makes me sound like a loser neck beared glitterboy. this has been taking over my life and i dont know what to do.
The first time I enterI remember maybe a year or two ago, surfing on dark / deep / as you called it - net / web and randomly visiting .onion sites, I found the Tsuky page. I felt something very deep that made me cry: the music, the images, the message, the idea … I was never able to recover this site nor in the clear web because I had forgotten the name. Today, I found it with my search engine because it has become popular among the web community, so I'm happy to be here. The fact that I was not able at the time to register on the page .onion (the configuration of my browser, my misunderstanding of the concept …) and today, I have the impression to have missed a train … Anyway, I'm here in my room, alone in this new year, listening to sad music under opiates and I want to share my love.
never safeSo I was having some random ideas about situations where one person hurts another (it is an accident) and the other retaliates (accident goes out of control) so authorities step in and all sides lose. The side that lost most tangibly will harbor a deep resentment towards both the other side and the authorities, and more often than not decide that the world is a free for all death match, anyone who didn't help them until now were against them. This situation may sound extreme, but it happens all the time in some shape or form. Usually no party has the time, dedication and resources to fully understand what happened, and often (when people are scarred or die, or irreplaceable things get destroyed) there is no way to fix things. Most of justice is just concerned with determent-based prevention, and little is done to repair the past.
Weird feelings and experiencesHello, Alice.
unable to finish SELI knew this would happen with this series but I am surprised it did not happen until episode 08. I really cannot watch anything that involves dissociation or mind control, I made an exception for mr robot but it was painful. And now serial experiments lain too is "triggering"
lain dreamingi dreamed, and lain came
depression and anxietyey alice, has been a long weeks after my last post, if is somewhere here, the hour i dont feel good, my ex best friend has been trying to put everyone who i love away from me, his motivation is destroy me, because he do everything in the wrong way, and put all the fault in my back.
Emptynessi been feeling empty, a few weeks ago, i start to hang out with a girl, she is cute, really smart, have a decent job, and we talk about a lot of fun stuff, but she is so insecure about if i want to be with her, or if she is depress i will be by her side, i stay in his home some nights, we sleep together, she is really sweet and shy, but when we speak in chat, she is cold and distant, like…she´s traying to throw me to the side of the road
stuck in a loopIt seems my entire life is just a loop of routines changing gradually over time. I used to spend quite a bit of time on lainchan, then lainchan.jp with intermittent periods of looping out of it for other habits. Now, seeing the work put into getting arisuchan off the ground, I feel as if I'm destined to miss out on everything. Does anyone know how to break the loop?
post unsavory feelingspost unsavory feelings
_Had a good day at work today. Made some progress and finally got the OK to install software essentially as I see fit and finally start fixing issues in earnest. That felt alright. Every week I feel like I'm better at what I do.
I'm sorry im sorryI've been having a tough time lately, I can't cope with depression and anxiety anymore it's been 3 years like this and I just can't go on anymore. I don't have anything worth living for at this point, I feel like a ghost, I think not even my family loves me anymore. It's becoming harder and harder everyday and everyday I hope it's my last day. I don't even have the guts to really commit suicide but it will come, the day I will be saturated with all this soykaf. I'm sorry for bothering you I have no one to talk to I wanted to let out everything
Unusual... reactions?I'm not sure where to post this… or hell even what to title the fucking thread, but I am very curious if anyone has ever heard of anyone else having this experience or something similar.
AngryCan I vent? I need to get angry.
I want to feel againhi Arisu, I think I have emotional numbness/detachment.
so sick of being aloneEveryone always asks what (and never) how I'm doing. I'm always the one to initiate contact and never the first one invited to things. It appears I'm alright company when I'm the one bringing the alcohol or the one giving PC building tips or the one lending or recommending some good books or the one awake in the car to help the driver navigate. But no one wants to hold a decent, serious conversation tete-a-tete with me. I'm seen as a jester by most.
Escapism from a boring realityWake up,Go to work/School,Come home,Sleep Repeat
Application FailureI keep running into a system error. I have tried everything except a hard reboot.
time paradoxi started writing my diary one week ago. i've got black amazement today when i wanted to write a few lines in a diary, and discovered that there are description of this day. I remember that i writed it yesterday(7). Its not mistake. The time on my computer is correct, all the people that i asked says that today is 8. I always write time in my diary. there are sequency of days, no one is encluded. What the fuck? have i lived one day twice and not observed it? Than why my diary contains these lines? What should i do, alice?
chronic painI have chronic pain. Doctors don't know what causes it, other than maybe a motorcycle accident years ago. I find it funny that it's like a manifestation of painful memories, but either way the only way I know how to cope is to constantly move and to always be active.
Loss of MotivationThe day I have to grow up
do I need help?I know this isn't a journal, but I don't have a place or person to say this to without looking crazy…
Hatred and ireHaven't you ever felt that everything you're doing is out of some deep, angry feeling you have inside of yourself?
A lost friendNot long ago my best friend shot himself. I was asleep, and I didn't know until the next day.
Advices from friendsHello lainons
Not Enough TimeI am really stressing out over this.
Crippling LonelinessHello Alice
Best friend doesn't want to live anymoreMy best and only real friend has several mental issues and has had many episodes with me in the past talking about how they want to die, they don't see a future for themselves, and living is just causing them pain. They asked me if someone is suffering just by being alive, has no goals or purpose and wishes they were never born why shouldn't they kill themselves? I didn't know what to say, all I could do was remind them that me and all the people who care about them love them and will be hurt. They just said time heals all wounds and we would eventually move on with our lives. All of this is sadly the truth but it hurts to hear someone you care about say this. They said they would end it soon, maybe sometime this month. I wish I could give them the drive to live but I can't. We've been through this so many times before I don't have anything more to say to convince them that life is worth living. Even the meds they take and therapist can't help them. I don't know what to do other than love my life but I hate it. I feel so helpless. I want to help and save them but at this point I don't know if they are just too far gone.
Lost interest in "passion"Hello lain
Why do you still hate meHey fuckhead,
what should i do?im a cryptography fan. People become dreadful beggars. They dont want have any rights, dont want to have own secrets, own life. They give everything about themselves to the internet. Its terrible. Im making projects for privacy, but who will use it except few cipherpunks? I hate world like this. I think Big Brother started watching me, but why im still free? I dont know what should i do in life, what do you think, Alice?
VentThis is a thread to vent out your feelings. I recently took a Bio test and I feel like I bombed despite studying for hours on it. What pisses me off the most is that the teacher had a review guide on his website but none of the questions actually matched the content of the test. Why have a study guide that doesn't even help? Screw college.
I dont know what kind of life I want to choosehello all who take the time to read this. for a while my family has been planning to leave Texas and leave to start a new life in Seattle after ive graduated high school, which is soon approaching. I was perfectly fine with this considering we have moved around quite a few times all my life and i was never one to be good at making or keeping friends, In addition I had always done well in school and knew if i tried I could be successful anywhere so if we moved I saw no problem. But the truth is I really hoped every time we moved I would find something that would make me feel happy or make a connection that would stay. Even though I did well in school, it gave me no fulfillment no matter how proud I made my family. It all just felt empty and I was passively fading through life.That was until I met this girl who later became my best friend, Only real friend ive ever had really, and girlfriend. Being with her has been the first time in a long time Ive actually been happy and connected to someone. I love her to death but she has little to no ambition along with many other problems, mostly mental, and is perfectly fine living an average life in this sleepy boring town and cant come with me if i were to choose to go. by the time i graduate i will have the choice to stay with her or go live in Seattle. I dont know what to do. Academic success has brought me no happiness sand I question success in my career will either in seattle, especially when Im all alone again.but this girl has. But staying would mean im on my own and and would have to give up going to college so I can work to support myself and risk a relationship that might fail in the future and risk regretting all that I gave up to have this average life.Do I go to Seattle where I will have more opportunity and be more successful in my career or stay in this small town in Texas and settle down with her?
My girlfriend is going away to a mental hospital for a month soonHello Alice. Me and my girlfriend are currently in high school. I love her so much but she has mental issues that she has wanted to get professional help for a long time. Now is her chance to do so but it will mean she will have to be admitted there for treatment and will miss school for a month and will come home only at night. Im happy for her that shes getting the help she needs but during this we will only be able to call and unlikely to meet in person due to the medication testing she will undergo making her behavior unpredictable and that I should stay away so as to not have an impact on her. I will miss her so much. I dont know what to do in this time. Of course I know I have to just continue to do well in my classes but I will be alone again. I dont connect to people well and have no friends other than my best friend who is my girlfriend. without her is going to be so hard. I feel so helpless and dont know what to do.
Public service announcementas an example on how things never play out the way they do in the movies, here's the ending to the original 1964 Willy Wonka as is followed by how it would play out in real life
Got dumpedHey alice
What do you do to diffuse?Alice? Is that your name? Hey!
Looking for a twinAlice: I have something I've been wanting to do for awhile. I want to find someone with which I can become "twins," i.e., as similar in appearance and thought as possible. I want to see how far that can go and I think it would be a really valuable thing to have. I'm not entirely sure how to go about doing this though. My plan so far is: find someone interested, willing, and already enough like me that there wouldn't be too much left to "synchronize" on, and then spend years attempting to reconcile any remaining physical and mental differences between us. We'd refer to ourselves collectively / singularly (either "we" or "I") to facilitate the synchronization (probably "I" since it doesn't sound as weird in regular conversation), and physically spend as much time together as possible, eating, sleeping, doing the same thing. I would expect each of us to both gain each other's interests and lose interests not shared by the other, which is why it's important to minimize the number of differences up front by selecting carefully.
InfertilitySo I'm 24 and I've had a boyfriend for about 9 months. I was told when I was 19 that I was in fact barren. I couldn't have children. It was pretty devastating for me. I've always imagined myself as someone who wanted children and the news I couldn't have any was pretty rough. Well me and my boyfriend been having sex for about 5 months. A couple of weeks ago we had sex and afterwards he was talking about how he wanted kids. I hadn't told him that I was barren up to the point so I broke the news to him. He was extremely angry about. We ended up having a big argument about it and haven't really seen each other since then. We've been texting but he still doesn't know if he wants to continue this relationship.
Romantic moments that stick in your memoryWhat are some romantic things a partner has done for you that really stick with you? They don't have to be grand gestures… little moments are what resonate most for me.
Being an arseholeWhy is it that people are generally just really bad at handling their own sensitive data?
Cant connect to peopleHello lain,I've been lurking for a while but finally built up the courage to post.
Advice threadI'm in my first year of college and I'm failing a course that I need for my major. My grades are going up a little, I used to have a 51% but now I have a 57%. The time to drop without it effecting my GPA is coming up, should I drop it or keep trying? All my other classes are easy.
Nothing,talking about myselfHello,it's me.
SoykafOk, the thing is this:
Sharing thoughts with AliceI start writting this post knowing that nobody will decide for me, but I feel I need to say this to アリスちゃん.
Hello againYesterday I posted about my mental break on my trip and I got some advice from people. My friend picked up my pills for me and I took it about an hour ago. I still feel off but it's okay. I appreciate you guys but I've been struggling. Not only with my Schizophrenia but with extreme social anxiety and depression. (A.K.A the edgy teenager starter pack.) I love my friends, my siblings and even through all the stuff I've been through with them I love my parents. I love games, I love the tress, the grass and the sky. I love this fucking forum. I love everything about the world. I don't love myself. I don't love hallucinations. I don't love feeling worthless. I don't love looking in the mirror at something that I hate. I don't love my medication. I don't love freaking out on camping trips. I don't love thinking about how easy it would be to just vanish. This forum is full of people. People whom have helped me time and time again. People who have made me laugh. People who have made me cry. People who have tragic stories. People who have amazing lives. People succeeding and people failing.
Dealing with lossSo my parents died 3 years ago. I was 21 at the time and my sister was 12. She came to live with me after they died since we don't have any living relatives. The first year was really rough. We cried a lot together and I tried to be there for her. She seemed to get over it in time and since then she's been doing a lot better.
Clown WorldYou sit there warm and comfy in your highly air conditioned classroom, why are you even here? Do you even need to take this class, or is it more of a transfer agreement with the silly little insignificant school that your parents are making you go to? My lord, you could be making money at this time of day, instead you sit their like an infant in your little spin-chair and wait to get called on by your so called “professor” or “prof” for short.
Pet loss thread/feels/ tell me your pet loss
Is there any reason to have intimate relationships with people?I have always had a hard time making my way through social interaction & just being around people in general. I used to be very lonely and thought I was broken for being so alone, but I've become less and less wanting of having relationships lately. I just realized that surrounding myself with people doesn't necessarily make me happy, I can find happiness by myself. Though, there are a lot of perks to being intimate with someone, seeing the world from another point of view, gaining information, bettering your understanding of life & the human condition.
Being self reflective.Hi lains, I'm kind of dumb and have trouble being self reflective, now this is a problem for me because I am in a limbo between esteem and self-actualization in the hierarchy of needs and I can't go lower again. So I need to develop self reflective skills to better understand myself, my role in the world and the world itself. Could I get some advice? Sorry if this isn't very clear, I'm not good at expressing myself.
I don't know if this was really an experience of yours as a kid, but my friendsand I were told to "turn off the screen and go outside," as if we weren'tsocializing enough indoors or something. Begrudgingly, we'd leave our games oranime on pause and go out until we were let back into our fantasy realms. Wedid socialize, but much of the time, it was just about that: our virtualworlds; the ones we were *really* living in, where we achieved great triumphsand people actually cared about our lonely tragedies. We found a short, brutalmiddle ground between our childhood's "I want to be an astronaut!" and ouradulthood's "I want to be out of debt" that we held for dear life as "reality"crumbled around us, and it was all was in front of a cathode ray tube.But we had a strange (youthful, flawed) way of systems thinking about these tworealities. It's not that we had zero interest in the outside; when we werekicked out into the undesigned physical realm, beyond the supervision of ourovertired parents, we did make some agency for ourselves with graffiti,fistfights, and bummed cigarettes. That ground we fought so hard to defend hadbeen lost to unwanted younger brothers, parents claiming their primetime shows,drunken shouting in the kitchen, too much homework. Those idealistic childrenwho were told they could be anything had chosen to be destitute second-ratepunks flung across suburbs and dormitories over becoming tomorrow's strugglingmiddle-managers of mediocrity; that is, they would rather suffer unwatched thanendure the truthful but ugly version of the surveilled future they had beenpromised when their biggest worries involved waking up early enough forSaturday morning cartoons.And then one day, a childhood dream came from the past to wake us up. Thosekids who saw a generator in Home Depot and ever since yearned to take the gamebeyond the living room and weave it into the emptiness of physical life, theones who wished they had their own, *private* screen with which to build anyedifice they liked, finally got an answer besides an adult platitude or a dialtone. Devices small and cheap enough to be handed down for the sake of keepingup with Joneses or purchased with scrounged cash were widely available and thefuture of business forced our parents to let us have them. Our communicationswere private so long as we fled to the next platform in the never-ending lineof chatrooms, messengers, and message boards that kept us above people decidingwho we could and couldn't talk to. The quietly renegade attitudes that had usloitering in the forgotten corners of our parent's greatest creations led us tomake our own, and our increasing skills of secrecy let us create it in theimage of the secret selves revealed when the devices became a part of us.Slowly, one by one, we used this to liberate any like minds we met. No longerwould you have to find a printing press to post your propaganda; subversiveideas and forbidden connections were now in the bedroom and the palms of ourhands. Although the pleasures of our basic desires were distracting, theecstasy of our higher ones drove us to the furthest reaches of cyberspace insearch of friends, comrades, lovers. As more and more of the physical worldconnected, the power of those minds Wired together grew, and we reached backinto the ruins of our past to brighten those darkened hideaways and defy theso-called "reality" that had been imposed on us. These new found interfacesgave us the knowledge and the resources to do things like earn a wage withoutpaying our dues to the social convention, hack our own neural networks withdesigner substances, affect the physical world in ways never seen, and for thefirst time in our lives - or anyone's for that matter - shape society'sdialogue with our keystrokes.The voice we synthesized for ourselves was loud, clear, and threatening; sothreatening, in fact, that those oppressors we thought we had escaped feared wecould not be beaten and joined us. The moneyed monoliths brought with them soondragged us into the knowing nightmares of our earlier lives. What lucky fewwere chosen to be society's new upper echelon by the insular elite were soldfor the promise of safety, comfort, the security of our future - and a fewother lies. I wonder if we flocked to this simply because we knew fleetingpleasures and our greatest fears more than we knew what to do with ourselvesonce we were finally able to be alone with eachother, whether we warped ourheady ideals into their antithesis or if we simply lost hope. In any case, itis certain that this space between the fiber-optics and spinning platters is nolonger ours either. It was taken just like our living rooms, leaving anotherunfillable space in our cramped highrise apartments.Some of us still hide, whispering in the new dark corners of what we havebuilt. We ruminate about what we didn't know that hurt us, how to start overand create a better world where "reality" would be something in which all thosechildren we aren't or shouldn't be having will revel and explore. We tangle andbond with the mess of wires until they cut us, hoping someone as trapped as weare will taste freedom in what comes out, but most of those dreaming kids arestill scattered and alone, unable to bridge our homes in the Wired world withthe sensory one. Every once in a while, a few of us find a corner without beingfollowed by those masses who tell us not to touch the rat's nest of connectionslest we sever one of the countless, long-dead strands slicing into our abilityto live, in the wishful belief that there are still a few thinking peoplesomewhere out there, and send it back in hopes that others will join us in thesame way that *we* were liberated.But no-one answers anymore. Cyberpunk is dead. If you don't believe me, see itfor yourself.Just go outside.
when you dieI have this idea that when you die your perception of time changes so that you live out the last moment of your life for an eternity. I don't know why I thought this, or what it has to do with anything, but it seems very much like the most likely way for things to go. What does y'all think?
When life has not senseI'm programmer and hacker (in the mit's definition way), have 3x years old and I have arrive a point where nothing have sense, when I live by inertia, whiout an objetive.
Reality disconnectionI'm going to post some things that have been happening in my mind lately, because I think some of you will be able to relate and maybe offer some advice.
Going /innawoods/This idea has always fascinated me and I wanted to know what my fellow lains thought. I've been pretty upset about a lot of things going on now and I'm wondering if this would make me feel better or if it'll just fucking suck and make me miserable. I remember reading /k/ threads about it when I was younger and it certainly helped to create the romantic notion of bushcraft I have today. Has anyone gone out into the wilderness to just rough it before? Did you know how long you were going to stay? What did you bring with you. Before the summer ends I want to hike down the highway and just go into the woods somewhere for a bit, find some peace.
Feeling distant in groups and with familyDoes anyone else have an extreme amount of trouble trying to socially adapt to being around groups of friends and especially family members?
Experiences threadI will start
Ethics of SuicideI suppose I've always had an unusual perspective on suicide. I feel that if one is even mildly dissatisfied with life that they can be justified in killing themselves. Having a bad day? Fuck it. Kill yourself. What do you honestly have to lose? I mean if we are all heading for eternal oblivion in the end, what does it really matter? You won't remember if you had a long, wonderful life or a short, miserable life when you're dead.
The end of the world:Are you ready if the world ends?
Eternal OblivionThe suicide thread made made me start wondering about the subject of death in general. Is eternal oblivion really where we're all headed? Unless we are living in a computer simulation I don't see any way around it. In light of this fact why should anything matter? I'm not saying we all ought to kill ourselves, but I'm asking why it would really matter in the first place. How can anyone be anything other than an existential nihilist?
Mortality & Existential Crisis.Heyo, lains.
running out of musicI'm running out of music that I feel comfortable listening to. Almost every song that I have already listened to reminds me of some sad or depressing day when I heard the song, and I can't get over how it feels. Green Day is the absolute worst example–I have had a bad habit in the past of bingeing a single album of theirs on repeat when I feel like soykaf, but it spoils all their music for me and I can't listen to it anymore.
Being: Confidence, beliefs, purpose...Hello lains,
Would you date an android?For those of you in a committed long-term relationship, how would you feel if you were to discover that your boyfriend or girlfriend were in fact an artificially intelligent android made of completely synthetic components? Would you still love them all the same or would your perceptions change? I'm not sure how I would answer the question myself, but it would likely depend on whether or not I believed that they truly experienced consciousness.
Who am I??I dont know who am I anymore I feel like I am this kind loving person and then next minute I turn into this person that hates humans and is selfish and dont feel emotions at all. Everyone I know thinks that I am a snake and a heartless person but I am not at the same time I feel like I am withering away.
Let's try this out, post main feeling/emotion of the dayToday I felt: jealousy.
a feelDo you feel human? Do you want to be human? I personally spend my entire day looking at a computer screen processing and putting out information, in my gut I know this is as far from the human condition as you can get. Whatever our ancestors did to survive and thrive enough for us to get to this point… this isn't it. The way they lived hardwired their brains to get pleasure out of certain things and to breed certain habits. Habits that we are getting away from and still surviving. Maybe our brains weren't meant to do this. All this typing and reading and listening, I don't feel like I'm truly living. I'm simply prolonging my existence. The threat of death is irrelevant to me, I don't feel it in my day to day.
dissociation/psychosisI was flipping through an old diary of mine somewhat recently and rediscovered this note I had written to myself during the peak of my struggles with dissociation and psychosis a little over a year ago.
notes/lists/helpWhat does lain do to keep on top of things? I get so overwhelmed with thoughts and ideas and tasks that I just end up paralyzing myself and doing absolutely nothing. Even if my one and only task for the day is to organize my tasks. My physical and digital notes are overflowing literally and figuratively respectively. I am feeling so disheartened. Help.
Yoga?Recently I've been getting into yoga to correct my posture. It's surprisingly effective! But, the only yoga poses I can remember for now are mountain and seal pose, as well as downward facing dog (which doesn't fix your posture). A week and a half ago, I learned a 10-pose sequence that fixed my back until I had to carry my backpack and stuff to class on monday. Sadly, I can't remember it now.