I made a new friend today!
I moved in with my boyfriend recently.
Before him I never had a so-called serious relationship, and I was worried about jumping into this sort of thing too quickly, worried that doing it at all would be a mistake, even. And throughout our time together I've been off and on worried about things just going sour.
Yet the reality is: things are great. I can't recall the last time I was this happy. Especially for this long a time. Fears and worries still dance through my mind, but in any analysis I can make, things are going very well, and without sign of changing.
Maybe this demonstrates my naivete. I hope not.
I got promoted, Im doing well in school as always,Im talking and opening up to my mom more, and I got over being dumped and having to see my ex and her new boyfriend during work, and can feel like me and am working to make myself better and towards my goals (working out daily, putting in more hours ect). Im happy now but what makes me happy and excited the most is the future and working towards it. Whether its daydreaming about the life I want or the person I want to be, working hard to make that a reality brings me the most joy in life.
Life is pretty comfy right now
I learned to let go. I think I can learn to be happier for now.
I also helped someone. Helping people makes me feel nice.
It snowed recently, so I'm always in a good mood when I wake up in the mornings and look out the window.
I've been making breakthroughs in therapy, getting really good grades, learning to get over the past, and trying to find happiness in new reliable people. things have been pretty rough but I'm finally finding hope for brighter days.
I played a really wonderful solo piece on flute last night. If anyone knows of Carnaval of Venise, I played some of it for a recital. And I really loved it.
i learned some new skateboard tricks
made me very happy
Watching your favorite comedic YouTuber always gets my mind out of the gutters.
If i'm feeling bad, it just makes me feel like a lazy piece of trash for not doing anything productive.
Baked beans and buttered bread.
I started going for walks. It made me feel like my brain is working better and overall I just feel more fresh now. I also started fighting againts my base urges to just watch anime, fap and play vidya games all day. I feel happy because it looks like my life finally is going somewhere. I hope that it's not already too late.
Walks are good, I should go more frequently.
used to go for walks all the time
ill start again
If you're too shy to run outside, subscribe to a gym and run on the treadmill there, it feels even better than running imo
I'm joining the army, and for the first time in a while, i feel happy that my future is clear
With melted cheese on top?
I went out for a walk yesterday and couldn't get over the feeling of people watching me from their car windows. The fresh air and being outside was refreshing though, just somewhat anxiety-inducing.
Finding this place
o god i'm so unsatisfied with it.
what do you like about it so much?
It has potential. This place has a character to it, and it's still small enough that it won't shatter my Dunbar number. I'm sure it has its problems and issues, but there's an energy here that hasn't been fully tapped into.
Just go somewhere where there are few people. Because I'm living in the countryside I'm just going to the forest in the near mountains.
Anybody knows this feel where you're probably so starved of social interaction that even smallest things bring you joy and give you hope? Like a normalfag probably experiences this 50x in a day. A normalfag girl probably 100-200x in a day. But for me this is fuel for like days.
Like all these small things, and I dont think this is over-analyzing it though I'm sure people might see it as such. You get a sense of it being symbolical, some stuff, like signs, like oh surely this is a sign from heavens, so go, act on it.
Like experiencing this soul-crushing feeling of being a lonely loser that you go out, take a taxi to go to a bar district, but you pop into a store to get cigs and a can of beer to predrink a bit, and meeting a schoolmate whom you havent seen in like years and years, and you're sitting in that cab and thinking wow surely this is a sign that I'm doing something right.
Or a girl who shares an activity with you adding you on a messenger out of the blue.
For us socially-starved God's lonely men this is really something difficult. It's like you trained yourself, disciplined yourself, largely unwillingly probably though haha, to this spartan social life. And then smallest things, that are probably disregarded and that are probably negligible for all those other people, give you hope. Nothing usually grows out of those though, but the hope is there still. Weird, we probably have less reasons than most to have hope, but it's there. It's like life is a parent who likes other kids much more than you, and you still look up to it or some soykaf.
Hmm… The warmth of my closest friend comes to mind. The safety and peace that comes with it. Sleeping in late alongside them.
Off the top of my head , these are thoughts which make me feel happy , Lain.
To improve myself.
To improve my lifestyle.
To crush my enemies.
To never surrender.
To be truly fearless.
…and to hear the lamentation of the women.
>what are the happy things in life?
The only thing that truy makes me happy is when I learn new things, or gain a deeper understanding of things where I already have some knowledge. In fact, intimate understanding of a subject is my aim in life.
>what good things have happened recently?
I was able to help my SO with her work so she can relax a bit.
>what helps alice keep going when things are hard?
Knowing that I can always learn from my experiences and try to do better next time.
I recently started taking klonopin again, as well as doubled my intake of a mild SSRI (still a low dose) and my day-to-day anhedonia and anxiety has nearly vanished. I can't attest all of my progress to this change, but it's certainly a large component of it. I ended an unhealthy relationship around three months ago, and started going to Co-Dependents Anonymous and seeing my therapist again. I made a conceited effort to curb my alcoholism (a habit I picked up to deal with the stress of the aforementioned relationship), and that has been entirely successful. The GABAergic effects of the klonopin have made this pretty easy so far, and though I know it's a bad idea, I still enjoy an ounce of whisk(e)y once or twice a week.
I've given up my hikki ways and started meeting new people. I have friends now, which is an entirely new thing to me. I'm starting to really engage my passions again. I'm living in the moment, for the first time in my life.
Alice, you can be happy, and you can feel safe. There's always a way to get there.
If you're reading this, I'm terribly sorry. I hope you're still alive. You deserve to be happy, but I can't make that happen. I wasn't ready for love. I'm sorry.
> what helps alice keep going
If the only thing that makes you happy is gaining knowledge than why have an SO? Why is she not just your research partner or something? There must be something else about your relationship that brings you joy.
Is love anything but an intimate understanding, Alice?
>what good things have happened recently?
I know it's not much (or anywhere near as cool or impactful as other's experiences), but I've had a huge change in perspective! (I won't bore with details)
My happy things, have been the recent kind words of encouragement from people that I never thought cared! It's a wonderful feeling to know that there are real people who'd go out of their way to talk to you and help you.
It snows heavy right now and it will be even harder tomorrow. Wandering around city through snowy city is peak comfy feeling
just working on music and biking around its really fun/relaxing lol
No matter how bad things get I always have this place to call home. To the lurkers who are reading this. There are many. You are not alone.