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Help me fix this shit. https://archive.arisuchan.jp/q/res/2703.html#2703

Kalyx ######


File: 1552768380811.jpg (73.36 KB, 500x375, yourheart.jpg)

 No.2572

Thread for Alice to make confessions about life or feelings without restraint.
Maybe you've had a long day or something has been making you lose more sleep than usual or you can't stop thinking of something small that made a difference in your life. We're all here to listen or at least notice what you have to say. Sometimes confessions are just about sharing how you feel in a really direct way.

Even though it might make you feel vulnerable I think you can do it if you try.

 No.2573

My friends feel nervous around me because they think I will dissect/amputate them for some of my medical studies. I tell them I would never but I can tell they do not believe me. I confess that if it was not for the fact that it would discredit me and my work I would do so in a heart beat. Also the fact that I care for them.

 No.2574

>>2573
Your friends are wack

 No.2575

Thank you. I just wish they would at least offer to let me use them in my work.

 No.2576

File: 1552805450018.png (664.56 KB, 628x800, f2474c23b8f292ac1463d13a5c….png)

I'm a wageslave, I get paid like soykaf.
They laugh behind my back. Probably call me a lobotomite or smthn.
I have acne all over my body. Not severe, but enough.
I dont want a gf. I dont want any relationships at all. I dont want anything except Sony WH2000.
I dream about being a Satan's priest in some dystopian cyberpunk world, catching augmented people and harvesting their enhancements, to resell for weapons and ammo.

 No.2577

I'm just so overwhelmed I work so much harder than everyone around me and I have so much that I have to do. It is never enough. I wrote like 7 pages for this group assignment (in 1-spacing not double spaced) and nobody is going to help me from the group with any aspect of a major internship project.

I have no time, I'm constantly working ultra-hard. Harder than everyone around me, but even then I'm slacking off constantly because the mountain of work just stresses me out so much I don't even know what to do. I have been over eating a ton lately and I can't even help it. I've never had this problem before but I just get so fucking stressed I start eating because I don't do drugs really so this is my vice.

I have gained like 50 pounds in the last 9 months somehow, I have no idea how this is even possible. And yet even with all this stress slowing me down it only makes my mountain of work grow ever bigger. I keep putting off easy tasks because they are stressful. There is a task I have tried to do for like over a year but I'm too nervous to complete it.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I just have to work harder and harder. I wish I could be a robot and never stop working.

 No.2578

>>2573
Presumably you want to do so in order to make improvements so clearly there's no bad faith in it. The fact you say you care for them means you would also consider their personal autonomy or feelings about such studies, it can be tempting to continue without such considerations but you don't seem to have done anything except make them aware of your interests.

 No.2579

>>2577

> I've never had this problem before but I just get so fucking stressed I start eating because I don't do drugs really so this is my vice.


Even if your idea of stress management is eating instead of drugs the effect on your health is the same, and obviously food is as influential in your health as any recreational substances, if you eat too much to compensate for your stress then maybe try to focus on something that gives you a sense of accomplishment or keeps you focused in some way on a positive task, although you realise exercise might help you feel better about your self image there's a balance and fitness people go from one obsession to another to unhealthy levels of something like exercise.

>I have no idea what I'm doing. I just have to work harder and harder. I wish I could be a robot and never stop working.


Do you feel like you have to work harder to compensate for others around you? It can't be your fault but you're given at least partial responsibility for your group assignment and you want to do well for yourself so that can be understood. It doesn't seem like you want to be a robot for any reason except that you could work more efficiently, it sounds like you're experiencing some feelings of depersonalization though.

 No.2580

>I'm a wageslave, I get paid like soykaf. They laugh behind my back. Probably call me a lobotomite or smthn.

What kind of work do you do? Being in a work environment like retail or service industry really forces extroversion so if you're not comfortable with yourself then you can't really be comfortable doing the role your employer expects.

>I have acne all over my body. Not severe, but enough.

Do you have a medical condition or just a difficult skin type? It might seem like a lot of work but acne can be fixed with treatment or skincare efforts but it doesn't happen overnight.

>I dont want a gf. I dont want any relationships at all.


Nobody's forcing you to want the same soykaf everyone else seems to, do you feel like people's expectations make you seem like an outcast? Why not decide what you want for yourself, even friendships are relationships that you deserve if you treat them well.

> I dont want anything except Sony WH2000.


Those are hires audio monitors right? So you must have a reason to want them to make music or appreciate how things sound.

>I dream about being a Satan's priest in some dystopian cyberpunk world, catching augmented people and harvesting their enhancements, to resell for weapons and ammo


Are you some kind of Pagan or Satanist? What kind of Satanist? It's Doomguy or Mad Max style at best but you'd be confident in that role and get to use skills you have. We can get behind that kind of future, do you think you'd also have augs to catch them, you can't just catch an enhanced human with a pitfall trap presumably.

 No.2581

>>2580
>What kind of work do you do?
Chef at restaraunt. I do things a bit slower then coworkers due to less experience. I know one fairly cool dude, but the rest are just hivemind.
>Do you have a medical condition or just a difficult skin type?
soykafty genes. Counts as skin I guess.
>Nobody's forcing you to want the same soykaf everyone else seems to, do you feel like people's expectations make you seem like an outcast?
Every fuckturd from my college group or workmate asks me why dont I have a gf. These days even on 8ch I bet they would look weird at you for desire to have no partner.
>Why not decide what you want for yourself, even friendships are relationships that you deserve if you treat them well.
This is not a problem, I'm just sharing my thoughts as requested. I have a single friend IRL, and we understand each other like clones.
>Those are hires audio monitors right? So you must have a reason to want them to make music or appreciate how things sound.
I want them to listen to FLACs because they support up to 44kHz, plus the fact that they're wireless, and active noise suppression and all that. Thats it really. I even misspelled its name, its WH1000XM2.
>Are you some kind of Pagan or Satanist?
I dont give a fuck about religion, but mindlessly worshipping malicious entity that has interest in you sounds hot. Too bad nothing in IRL can compare to fantasy of that kind.
>What kind of Satanist? It's Doomguy or Mad Max style at best but you'd be confident in that role and get to use skills you have.
More like Mad Max. Free for all.
>We can get behind that kind of future, do you think you'd also have augs to catch them, you can't just catch an enhanced human with a pitfall trap presumably.
I'd like to have even redundant firearms but enough circuits in my head to predict the movement patterns, weakspots, trivia and all that. With that, you could throw a stone just at right angle and in right time to incapacitate someone.
They might as well use similar tech, but I dont care. If they win with me, sooner or later they'll have to lose to someone else. Such is life, duh.

 No.2582

>>2581
>Chef at restaraunt. I do things a bit slower then coworkers due to less experience.

So they get upset at you for doing things more carefully due to wanting to keep your appendages unscathed or not make mistakes, yeah sounds soykafty but it's a high stress work environment for sure and really hierarchical.

>I know one fairly cool dude, but the rest are just hivemind


Do you mean like normalfags or just they are self involved or self absorbed?

>soykafty genes. Counts as skin I guess.


Skin problems suck but it's always possible to skincare the fuck out of it or do more drastic medical interventions.

>Every fuckturd from my college group or workmate asks me why dont I have a gf.


It doesn't matter if you want a partner or get one to anyone but you, what you want is up to you, you know that.

>I have a single friend IRL, and we understand each other like clones


This is the soykaf that warms the heart coolant loops. What kind of things do you value in a relationship or friendship?

>I want them to listen to FLACs because they support up to 44kHz, plus the fact that they're wireless, and active noise suppression and all that


So that's nice, music is important and once you learn how sound/audio quality works or develop an ear for tonal qualities and pitch you ruin soykaf tier audio for yourself forever.

> dont give a fuck about religion, but mindlessly worshipping malicious entity that has interest in you sounds hot. Too bad nothing in IRL can compare to fantasy of that kind.


If you only knew how many people find that interesting or had experience with such you might not judge yourself so much for that intrigue. Malicious is just a subjective notation, the risk of danger is inherent in such practices of belief and not in the specific form it takes.
As for mindless worshipping, as long as you're serving a purpose and not just being exploited uselessly there's nothing wrong with grabbing yourself a friend to exhibit those interesting unstable brain glitches for you to enjoy the company of.

>More like Mad Max. Free for all. Such is life, duh


Sounds like a more focused use of your time which has explicit ends and rewards, it also would be something worth doing together with others, what's a wasteland without a little competition hmm?

 No.2587

The closest thing I have ever had to a girlfriend was a friend I had when I was 12. She was about 1 month older than me. I'd say we were both early bloomers as well. My parents had signed me up for a ski course throughout the season, where I met her. We seemed to get along pretty good, played around with each other constantly, she'd laugh at my jokes, and we would we would always talk.

It was obvious that she was into me, even the other kids would try to point it out to me. I went on to just not really acknowledge that part of it though, and more or less friend zoned her. Over the years I feel like I've built this up to be more than it really was in regards to the romantic aspects of our friendship though. Maybe I've tried to make it seem less like I friend zoned her. But there was one moment, closer to the end of the course, that no matter what, I feel is proof that I did.

I had crashed after a jump, and she saw me on the ground. She went up to me and tried to spray me with snow by stopping in front of me, but she fucked it up and ended up tripping over me. Next thing I remember she was on top of me faces right next to each other. Then there was this moment, where our eyes met. I get the feeling we were both thinking about kissing right there and then. I think she was looking in my eyes for some kind of consent, or some indication that we were more than friends. But I guess I just didn't want to be more than friends.

After the course ended I never did see her again, never did get a way to stay in touch with her. Shes the only one I can even remember the name of from the course. I didn't really make any friends for a long time after that. I rarely ever saw anyone my own age, or that wasn't just a friend of parents after that really, living in a rural area and being home schooled and all. I feel like that's a lot of the reason I built it up really. Its just that for so long she was the last friend I ever had. Even now I feel as though she could be the best friend I ever really had.

 No.2594

I fail in most of the things I fail in because I don't really want to succeed. I don't want to do or experience most things, I just avoid things that hurt or annoy me right now, exactly until I'm feeling okay. I lose interest in anything I find interesting a few days into it. There is no point in trying to "fix" this as this is the truth; interests, wants, goals and meanings are just interactions of hormones that eventually go away. Rational behavior and planning for the future is just a systemic way of serving these hormones indirectly on the long term. Thought for any reason whatsoever is just a primitive applied form of a more pure and goalless thought that simply maps connections.

>It feels bot to be a bot.

 No.2595

>>2582
>Do you mean like normalfags or just they are self involved or self absorbed?
Both.
>Skin problems suck but it's always possible to skincare the fuck out of it or do more drastic medical interventions.
I'm bother enough about my skin to feel soykafty but I dont bother enough to take action.
>It doesn't matter if you want a partner or get one to anyone but you, what you want is up to you, you know that.
I guess.
>This is the soykaf that warms the heart coolant loops. What kind of things do you value in a relationship or friendship?
Common interests, and reasonably adequate manners. But once in the blue moon I dont mind to do something wacky.
>So that's nice, music is important and once you learn how sound/audio quality works or develop an ear for tonal qualities and pitch you ruin soykaf tier audio for yourself forever.
Its hard to differentiate FLACs from 320kbps lossy formats, but this is an autistic guilty pleasure of mine. I almost exclusively listen to instrumental artists, and normalfags dont care about complexity of the music itself, they just want some famous face in titles or vocals to brag about. Or nostalgia maybe.
>if you only knew how many people find that interesting or had experience with such you might not judge yourself so much for that intrigue. Malicious is just a subjective notation, the risk of danger is inherent in such practices of belief and not in the specific form it takes.
As for mindless worshipping, as long as you're serving a purpose and not just being exploited uselessly there's nothing wrong with grabbing yourself a friend to exhibit those interesting unstable brain glitches for you to enjoy the company of.
Well, thanks for clearing out.
>Sounds like a more focused use of your time which has explicit ends and rewards, it also would be something worth doing together with others, what's a wasteland without a little competition hmm?
Its not about rewards or competition, its about activity itself. Sounds really appealing on paper or in fantasy, but once it'll start really happening, you'll realize that its just another shade of soykaf.
>>2594
This describes me perfectly.

 No.2599

File: 1553175015301.png (324.53 KB, 941x1021, 1550064855428.png)

i recently ghosted all my friends and i'm trying to start a new identity, i feel bad for it but i think it's a necessary change. the only thing is i want to be more empathetic i'm at the point where i'm forcing it by self harming when i'm ever mean to someone, but i don't know if it's worse to force a false personality but i long to be accepted and known for being a generally great and kind person. i just hate it all the internet causes so much pain for myself but smashing my computer and melting my HDDs doesn't feel like a option either.

 No.2602

>>2599
How was your relation with your friends? If you had a good relationship, they'd be worried about you dissapearing, they'd even be worried right now about your self harming.
Try talking with someone in an open-minded way about your problems. If you want to talk about it here, go ahead. Changes are visible, so you don't have to simply start over again.

 No.2603

>>2602
My relationship was long lasting but a lot of bumps mostly, i could sometimes be incredibly soykaf like doxing a friend for the "lols" we reconsiled after stuff like that though, but they're the only people i've been friends with since i was 14, i can't imagine them seriously worrying about me but i'm dedicated to leaving that stuff behind and trying to better.

 No.2610

>>2599
>>2603
>My relationship was long lasting but a lot of bumps mostly
A relation that perseveres through bumps is a strong relationship, keep that in mind. A strong bond is not only defined by what you have in common, but also by how you tolerate the things that you don't like.

>the only thing is i want to be more empathetic

You should just worry about treating each one just right and listening/giving opinion to them in bad times. As simple as that. The first one is knowing the difference between a joke and being a asshole. And the 2nd one is just about giving shelter when their soykaf storm arrives.

>i'm dedicated to leaving that stuff behind and trying to better.

About leaving all behind, it's up to you. It's almost impossible for me to put myself in your shoes, but for what I read, you still have a chance to fix the cracks in your relationships. You can start over again; or use that last chance to achieve what you thrive in a much easier way, and without losing what you had. Don't just go and say sorry, wait until your actions showed that you are really sorry. Even if you fail with that last chance, you'll at least know that you tried.

I've treated some people like soykaf some years ago and now we are best friends. I still and will always regret treating them like that, even if we were 13, but I guess it's the part of the weight you have to carry in life. You can either succumb to that weight, or use it to work yourself out into someone better.

 No.2611

File: 1553609171560.jpg (60.36 KB, 800x541, 1552679949201.jpg)

Someone who I thought died came back into my life and they're under police investigation. Had their electronics seized and all.
They blamed me for the incident, but I have zero idea what they've been up to until now. I'm not even sure if they should even have a computer to communicate with if it's still being investigated.
I don't know if I should lawyer up just in case or let this incident die off. I don't even know if the investigation is real or if they're just trying to fuck with me. Either way, I don't want to be dragged into their drama.

 No.2634

I feel bad because I made friends with some 4chan types in high school but I always found them incredibly cringey, but they're also all kinda floundering.

A lot of people are floundering and I seem to be the only person I know from my home town whose going anywhere and not succumbing to mental health problems.

I feel… pity for them, I wish I could help. I've tried giving them LSD which has helped me immensely but it seems not to work, or they're too scared. I find that i withdraw from the people that I can't help, I feel guilty being around them.

Then there's a whole nother set of college friends who are all private-school-educated hipsters, life handed to them on a silver platter, I have little in common with them but they're fun to get drunk with I guess.

nobody seems to really care about anything, or at least they pretend not to care. everyone goes through the motions of liking Bernie or some soykaf but thats not the same thing as caring deeply about the world and other people. It really puts me off how self-absorbed my peers are.

I just want to find genuine people… I knew a few, but I poisoned that well when I hooked up with my friend. She ended it and now I can't bear to see her. I loved her.

Feeling like soykaf. Ready for a change. One more year and I'm out of uni… I think I'll do the whole reinvent-yourself thing, to a slight degree. I feel ungenuine.

 No.2638

>>2634
Everyone has a story to tell, maybe you just need to listen to them a bit more. I wouldn't feel bad for losing friends I have no interest being friends with anymore. Don't get stuck in a safe space, recognize that you can move on with your life.

 No.2639

Started doing a lot of introspection since i relapsed to fapping to traps and gay porn, and just felt like soykaf since I'm awkward and my body's outta whack from just sitting inside all day hunched and crouched like a goblin.
I'm only going to college since I'm too neurotic and just autistic to enter work right now and my mum gets a welfare check out of it. Dropped out of digital marketing, honestly I couldn't give two fucks about any further schooling and education, fuck all of it forever.
Through my introspection i remembered a couple of things from later in childhood that enraged me. I remembered the neglect and childhood abuse at the hands of my mom that i happened to forget for a couple of years, one of the things that particularly infuriated me was my reflex to people moving their arms around me where i'd raise my hands to cover my head or just being afraid of people in general. It didn't help that i didn't have any friends and the only person i interacted with was my mum outside of school. I was okay with it as well at the time and never addressed or talked about it with anyone because i was big into /pol/ and natsoc ideology as a kid so i thought 'the family unit was infallible' and that the beatings were discipline and i deserved it, but only now did i figure out that all of it was bullsoykaf and my mum's actually a fucking weirdo and that's what made me this way.
It pisses me of because i actually used to be adequately adjusted in my early teens but all of that was fucked off because of the mental illnesses i acquired pretending my situation was normal.

At the end of it though, i basically learned how to deal with a very specific niche type of soykaf that'll probably come in handy later down the line and i'll be an adjusted member of society by the end of this year, glad the bullsoykaf is over, thank god.

 No.2647

I have been struggling with depersonalization for the past weeks. My arms don't feel like they are mine laying on the table. I have to fully concentrate on typing to get my fingers to move. I got back and forth between almost normal and this. I still refuse to talk to a psychologist about it because a friend of mine got diagnosed with depersonalization&derealization disorder.

After getting diagnosed he had serious trouble getting approal to study abroad (uni) or get a blank-firing gun license (yes, you need that in this country). I (a) don't want those problems and especially (b) am scared of what else will be harder/impossible for me after being diagnosed. For the moment I am (or at least appear to be) functioning and that is all I need.

 No.2648

>>2647
Maybe exercise would be effective self-treatment? If you use your limbs more, maybe that'll alleviate symptoms.

 No.2649

>>2639
I hate to tell you this fam but straight people don't have to stop themselves from fapping to gay porn. You are bisexual and repressing your sexuality will fuck up your mental state.

 No.2650

>>2647
try meditating maybe? Just sit down, cross your legs, straighten your back, and focus on your breathing and any other monotonous sound you hear(today I focused on the rain). Don't think about anything, you can think about things later, just focus.

 No.2662

>>2648
Excercise is a good idea, I mostly sit in my room. While running I couldn't help but feel like my legs are too slow and weak, but after getting over that I got better. Thanks for the hep lain.

>>2650
Meditating is impossible. Whenever I am not busy with something I start to depersonalize. I either start to dissect my personality, beliefs and character or I "observe myself" and feel like I am sitting beside physical body, if that makes sense.

 No.2663

File: 1554669188445.jpg (54.53 KB, 640x400, __hieda_no_akyuu_touhou_dr….jpg)

>>2662
>I mostly sit in my room.
How much time do you spend sitting in your room? If it's almost always, that's bound to screw with your head regardless of underlying issues. Maybe you could try running outside around the block. You could make it part of your routine. Routines and exercise might make you feel more grounded. Maybe creating something will also help. When you see something you created, it must have come from you and your own hands, strengthening your sense of identity.
>>2650
Part of the point of meditating is disconnecting from the world around you. I don't think that's helpful to a person who is already disconnected.

 No.2665

>>2662
>I either start to dissect my personality, beliefs and character or I "observe myself" and feel like I am sitting beside physical body, if that makes sense.

Yes, it is common to have such thoughts and experiences. The idea is that one "notes" them and lets them be, rather than thinking about them.

>>2663
the point of meditating is to focus very hard on nothing. It isn't disconnection, it's perceiving without judging.

Disconnecting from the body means perceiving the ego and body as separate, meditation(after a while) means suppressing the ego entirely, to stop trying to locate "me".

 No.2668

File: 1554823664542-0.jpg (42.66 KB, 704x396, 28-ghost-in-shell-1.w710.h….jpg)

I'm pretty sure I have autoimmune disease and Aspergers. I need to call my doctor, but I've been putting it off for weeks

 No.2670

I'm being paranoid again and as usual, it's over the most mundane things and my memory isn't too reliable either.

 No.2674

>>2668
what makes you think you have an autoimmune disorder?

>>2670
big same. Weird thoughts pop into my head all day, I've found it easier to just let the thought be and not think about it.

Routines, music, and the internet are what hold me together.

 No.2675

I kinda miss imageboards, but they're all really terrible and I can barely stand to do anything more than lurk every once in awhile

 No.2676

>>2675
The format is addictive, isn't it? You're right, they all suck now. That doesn't stop me from wasting time on them. This site is nice but it's not really that occupying, given how few posts there are.

 No.2677

File: 1554909267367.jpg (60.67 KB, 1280x720, 32418_Kurisu.jpg)

>>2663
By "I mostly sit in my room" I meant not excercising. That was poor wording on my part.

>try running outside around the block

I will be incoorperating excercise. It helps with self-esteem and coordination, which is good.
>Maybe creating something will also help.
I am currently working on building my own laser engraver and while it is interesting and I am learning a lot it doesn't really help elsewhere.

>>2665
>Disconnecting from the body means perceiving the ego and body as separate, meditation(after a while) means suppressing the ego entirely, to stop trying to locate "me".
I get what you mean but I really don't think meditating will work. Concentrating on something is really hard for me, I am inpatient and can't concentrate on nothing for any extended ammount of time.
>Yes, it is common to have such thoughts and experiences. The idea is that one "notes" them and lets them be, rather than thinking about them.
I don't feel like "me", I can't identify with "me" in that situation. Not with my actions, with my believes, with my body. It feels like watching someone do something, not watching myself do something.

 No.2678

File: 1554916074714.gif (2 MB, 500x269, akira-14.gif)

>>2674
Essentially I feel really tired and terrible all of the time. I have a lot of psychiatric problems too that don't really fit into standard psychiatric diagnoses. I had a doctors appointment recently, and I was told that none of my problems are caused by allergies. I suspect that the chronic dry eyes, dry mouth, and nonallergic rhinitis I am having are indicative of Sjögren's disorder, as I have no other explanations at this time. I am not sure however. I have been to half a dozen doctors, as well as the Mayo Clinic, and they all found nothing. An elusive disease, such as autoimmune, would make sense to me. To see in a young man such as myself would be an unusual presentation. I need to go back to the doctor, but I am tired of being blown off or yelled at. I am scared of finding out if I have it.

 No.2679

>>2677
>I get what you mean but I really don't think meditating will work. Concentrating on something is really hard for me, I am inpatient and can't concentrate on nothing for any extended ammount of time.

so are a lot of people who meditate. The point is that you train yourself to do it, or sometimes you get someone else to train you. It is a learned skill like any other.

 No.2681

>>2670
Could be sleep apnea. Are you waking up frequently to pee in the middle of the night?

 No.2689

File: 1555062503588.jpg (930.05 KB, 1100x876, 0028331922708c4d514111aba7….jpg)

>new-age crazed father called me again talking about the great purges and soykaf like that, and tried to convince me that soon I'll have the gift of telekenesis
Its a good thing that he's still polite, but the only gift I could use right now would be a hefty dose of pentobarbital. My life is miserable enough without apocalypse cult-tier bullsoykaf.

 No.2691

>>2572
I can only define myself by the work I do. I must be successful, I must keep going.

Even though my manager told me not to work this weekend, here I am, working. I chasing up a provider all weekend to fix a database they want to delete unless its fixed by Monday.

Hows that, they broke the database and want it upgraded by the 15th or they will delete it. But I cant upgrade it because they broke it…

My partner is also going though a lot at the moment and I'm just not sure what I can do, turns out she has PTSD from her childhood. It's been untreated fro decades and I feel horrible for not helping her earlier. We are moving forward, moving ahead, seeking treatment, seeking help. But it feels like too little too late. How the hell didn't I notice this?

I feel like a fool, a pointless and mad fool

 No.2692

I have actually given myself handjobs when my sister was asleep when I was 13-14. One time my parents caught me. They've kept it a secret from my sister however they never leave me alone with her.

 No.2693

I'm incredibly worried that I'm about to get caught in a lifetrap. I'm applying for lots of jobs all over and am probably about to move someplace but I'm going to feel trapped wherever I move. It is going to be a lot of stuff to move so moving again is going to be something that I can't easily do. Normally when I ditch out of situations it is very easy and I just take whatever I want with me on my back in a sense, but now I'm dating someone who has a ton of fucking soykaf. Wherever I move they are going to take an entire Uhaul worth of crap there and it is going to trap me in there.

I guess this just means I have to pick someplace where I want to stay for a really long time to move to, but I haven't ever lived the same place 2 years in a row my entire adult life, so I don't really want to do that. I don't feel comfortable doing that at all really. I don't know. It just is all so upsetting to me. I hate that my life seems to be going in a direction that is going to trap me in.

 No.2695

>>2693
Have you ever backpacked? Based on what I've read, I think that's your thing.

 No.2696

>>2693
You have someone you love and you're settling down with them.

If that feels like being trapped, you should seriously consider whether you want to commit to that relationship.

 No.2697

>>2573
I think I lost another one. All for the best.

 No.2698

Some days ago a reunion between professors and students took place at the university to expose corruption and how it is leading to a decay in the quality of education in the institution.
At certain point I made a speech explaining why implementing the new educative model and privative software would convert us into the perfect workers for some industries and useless for anything else. This is important because many people I know want to develop as scientific researchers, or so they say.
My classmates don't give a fuck about these problems, but even then, a professor who clearly defends ultra-rigth thought menaces me in front of a whole class and says I'm "too Innocent" for believing we could change anything.
I'm sad and angry. Why don't they care a little bit more? Why do they say jokes against me and the professors that had teached them so much?
Somehow I started to feel as if fighting for their right to quality education were useless, they don't want knowledge, they just want to graduate.

 No.2702

>>2696
I've dated them awhile, they just used to be able to move easier so this was never a problem. Now their parents have sold their house and have asked all the kids to take the stuff they were storing there/furniture/etc. And it is just a massive amount of stuff. The house we are renting now is fine, but it is just a lot of stuff that they don't want to get rid of. I feel like all my stuff in the house could fit in about a single truckload. They are taking up 2 rooms of our 3 bedroom house right now with junk stacked up to the ceiling and I don't know how to tell them to throw soykaf away. I feel find moving with this person and living with them, I have lived with them many places in the past, but moving such a massive amount of stuff has a lot of finality to it. Even moving this much stuff across a town if I settled into it, would honestly a pretty big deal.

I feel like everything would be ok, if I felt like I could change my mind about living someplace easily/quickly.

 No.2711

First of all, pardon me if my redaction reads like ass. ESL and all that.
I've been living with a couple for two months now (we're sharing a house), and even though things go by perfectly fine most of the time, I have a few issues with them.
Firstly, I'm worried about the dude. A few weeks ago, I was talking to his spouse (because yeah, they're somehow married even though they're both just 20 years old), and she told me a lot of things about their relationship: that they met at high school, that his step father gave him soykaf all the time (the step father is Spaniard, and I don't know why, but most Spaniards are dickheads), that they fled their hometown and came to this state because there's no jobs back home, and that he has depression, because he dropped out of university.
That brings me to my second issue with them: at times, they argue about small things, and that's fine, couples do that all the time, but somehow, and for some stupid reason, I feel uncomfortable and stressed whenever they raise the tone of their voice, like there's some form of PTSD going on in the back of my mind. Might have something to do with the fact that my mom had a few too many problematic relationships throughout my childhood and teens.
My biggest concern with them is that I feel that one day they will argue about something bigger than who is going to cook dinner (like, I don't know, who pays the taxes or having kids), or that a petty discussion will escalate to a fight. And if they ever break, I feel that he won't be able to deal with the depression and will commit sudoku.
Yeah, I know that it's stupid to think like this, and maybe I should just mind my own business, but I don't know, I guess I just don't want to see another couple falling apart because of mundane bullsoykaf.

 No.2713

My wife died 18 months ago. I'm still broken.

 No.2716

Wasted my teenage years being a loser and getting fat. Feels good to be studying again and getting into shape but I have so much guilt about almost every decision I've made in the past decade. I've been sober all year and it just seems like the less cloudy my head gets the more I realise how many people I've hurt. I'm learning a lot and I finally have confidence in myself, but I just feel like I have so many people to apologise to and wrongs to right. I plan to do this after I finish studying, but now I don't even know how I can approach or even relate to my past friends. To any hedonists out there, get sober and start lifting and you'll realise you created all your own problems by chasing degenerate soykaf.

 No.2717

>>2693
Wife up and have kids dude.
What're you complaining about? You're situation sounds wonderful!

 No.2718

>>2717

Definitely not going to have kids anytime soon dude, I'd have to be braindead to make a decision like that. I'm in a very high income bracket for my age but even with that I just could not realistically afford that even if I wanted to. Not without putting literally all of my excess income toward the kids. And even then I wouldn't be giving the kids I would have as much as they deserve to turn out well. I'll leave that to other people who want to spend their lives in suburbia. I don't plan on spending my life that way. I'm not sure that it is ethical or valuable to raise kids in the hellscape that is the world at present anyway.

I don't think my situation sounds wonderful because I view stagnation in live as a failure-mode. If you think that is the life for you and that you can be content with that all the power to you. I don't mean to insult people who live simpler lives or would love to be in the position I'm in, I don't mean to put a value judgement on subjective choices. But at the same time I can't help but view my trajectory and feel that settling down with a wife and kids is akin to saying "I'm done trying, now I just want to be comfortable", I know I can do better.

 No.2721

>>2718
my advice: talk to your partner about selling some of your crap in an estate sale or similar.

 No.2722

>>2718
Fair enough, I'm still studying.
I've concluded that the purpose of life is to like create life and soykaf, but I'm pretty young and my mind will probably change when I start earning that sweet dough.

What kind of field are you working in by the way? It must be pretty important if your career/status is your number one priority.

 No.2724

I've discovered that I really like getting pegged. Preferably while chained and gagged.

 No.2725

>>2722
I wouldn't worry about rushing into having kids, you're right about that ultimately being the purpose of life. However it's not really selfish to say you want to enjoy your youth before dedicating at least 18 years of your life to kids.

It's not that big of a deal to wait until your 30s to have kids in 2019, frankly if you still feel like you haven't "lived" by age 35 then you never will and you'd have wasted your youth.

Be firm about your intention to enjoy being young a while longer, but really don't waste it. Don't focus everything on your career in your 20s and early 30s because at this rate, none of us are retiring until our late 60s so there is plenty of time for career development.

 No.2758

I'm at a crossroads in my life right now and all of it feels meaningless. i'm tired of all the meaningless soykaf. It feels like everything is fake. I don't want to die. Quite the opposite. I just want to go live like a hermit in the woods or something. Where every action I take has a clear and direct meaning to my survival.

 No.2773

>>2587
This one hits me right in the feels. It must suсk not having closure to something that long ago. I had a similar situation when I was 13 with the only girl who went out of her way to laugh at my jokes, it was very validating. We were in a flirtationship for about a year but nothing came of it and she moved school and we stopped talking. I thought a lot about her and the opportunity I missed for a few years after that. Though in my case I saw that she eventually became one of those boring popular girls who spends all their spare time drinking and partying etc. So it became easy for me to finally push her out of my mind and move on.
Though you, unfortunately, do not have the luxury of knowing how that girl has changed. She will forever stay as the kind girl you knew her as. I don't mean to 'rub it in', just want to say that I understand how you feel being in this situation.
Is there no way you can think of to get in touch with her? Remembering her last name or where she was from etc?

 No.2776

everyone around me currently hates me and i cant do anything about it at the moment other than either off myself or suck it up which gets harder by the day

 No.2777

I can feel myself burning out. All that drive I had is gone, now all I really want to do is get high and forget about my problems.

 No.2808

Broke up with my long term gf in January due to the fact I had to accept she was no good for me, and if I continued I most likely would've carried through with my plans to kill myself in which she had very little care for outside of the fact that she was angry that her presence wasn't enough for me to go on living despite her chronic untreated mental illnesses that were "my" problem day in and day out. It's been nearly five months and life is "good" now I suppose. I started going to the gym, got a huge raise and promotion to senior technician at my job, extremely rarely have the urge to kill myself, and have had plenty of sex with other women but at the end of the day when my lust is satisfied they're painfully boring and I'm still left with that hole in the void that never seems to be filled by anything in any amount, be it sex, drugs, money, power, etc. I hope this ends soon.

 No.2810

My willingness to do the right thing and work hard is taken advantage of at every job. I always end up working for people who are delusional, liars, manipulators, or all of the above. I'm intelligent, talented, compassionate, and disciplined. I work my ass off. I create and facilitate efficiency and progress wherever I work. Yet I am paid a barely living wage and rarely given the opportunities I have earned a shot at.

I am trying to start my own business but just keep getting gate-kept by people who took stakes in my industry before anyone actually qualified was around. So my success is dependant on individuals who have no right to such authority over my quality of life or my capacity to offer the services I am more qualified to provide.

And no matter where I go, I am disgusted by the vast majority of people. I want to be compassionate and loving towards everyone, but with so many who are so selfish and who try so hard to make life harder for everyone else, only to serve their own lust, gluttony, and greed; well, I am at the point where I guess I have acquired the belief that the majority of people don't deserve to even live, let alone the way they are allowed to.

The standards and rates of consumption, the incoherency of their political discourse, the absolute delusional ignorance in the way they carry themselves and behave in public. It is all unearned and without merit.

I'm beyond burnt out from dealing with the masses, unhappy with the amount of work I am forced to do for so little, constantly struggling to just believe in myself, always a scapegoat, always lacking time to actually make up for all the strain and to keepy myself well, and with the world seemingly turning against sustainable life I'm really fed up.

I wish I could disappear.

 No.2811

>>2810

you can disappear, lain

not by killing yourself. You can just walk away, never look back.

I think about it every day.

 No.2812

>>2811

I do too. There's this shred of hope that stops me. Even though it shouldn't exist at this point, it is there hanging on for dear life and it flickers just enough to convince me to stick it out just a bit longer. Just a bit longer.

I simultaneously fear and beg for the day that flicker goes out completely. Having to start new, leaving everything behind. Both an exciting fantasy and a daunting eventuality.

Fear because I have put so much work into this life. While not many, I have a few loved ones that would hurt more than I can imagine to lose. And all my struggles to make this life work, would be in vain.

Yet, I beg for the day because if I were to just snap, and disconnect from everyone and everything I wouldn't have to feel this void in my soul anymore. I would be able to just scrounge up some essentials and get the hell away. Live alone, make myself resourceful wherever I end up, start again and maybe have better chances thrown my way.

I don't know.

 No.2814

>>2678
The test came back negative. There is a possibility however that it is a false negative. Further testing will be much more invasive and expensive. I will not lose hope.

 No.2816

File: 1559281749653-0.jpeg (70.78 KB, 500x375, fullsizeoutput_3.jpeg)

>>2814
Oh and I nearly got killed by a mother fucking tornado last night. I hate my family. They are all trashy. I desperately need to get into a more difficult university. My skills are going unrecognized. However, I have been feeling better since I have begun home treatment for the autoimmune disease

 No.2817

>>2816
I am afraid I am falling in love again

 No.2823

Many days I want to hang myself. Sometimes I don’t know why I keep going

 No.2824

My job search is going a lot harder than I would like it to, I feel like I just keep throwing my resume down several holes and it all just feels hopeless. There are no jobs where I am, and if I get a interview at any of the places that I am applying I don't even know what I will do to get to the interview. I have no ability or money to drive out to actually get to any in person interviews. It is just a endless cycle of not having enough money and not having enough money for likes like gas that will allow me to get more money.

 No.2833

>>2576
>I dont want a gf. I dont want any relationships at all. I dont want anything except Sony WH2000

They're only like $300 on Amazon, anon. Surely if that is your one desire in life you can scrape that together in a month or two.

 No.2990

I feel like im about to have an anxiety attack every time i drive. Im nearing my mid 20s now and manned up and signed up for some lessons just to say I did it. I never want to drive again after this is all done, but its keeping me not absolutely useless as im waiting for calls from a place that has hired me after a 6 month job search.

 No.2991

>>2990
Why do you think driving is giving you such bad anxiety?

 No.2993

I have no ambition, goals, or motivation. I do not even know why I'm still existing, but I do not have a desire to die or anything. I have many things I want to do, but it's more of an impetus than an actual passion. I loathe at the thought of essentialism and focusing on one thing, life is so damned short, I'm afraid I won't be able to create all the things that I need to say.

 No.2999

File: 1566366630678.png (180.18 KB, 634x888, 82e7e2964d1bdf85.png)

I am afraid that I might never know what it means to really love someone. Everything related to intimate relationships to the opposite sex feels shallow to me and ends up to the carnal desire to reproduce.

 No.3011

File: 1566434800007.jpg (287.21 KB, 620x877, noname.jpg)

Had a hamster when I was young. I really thought I liked that hamster, and it was my responsibility to care for him. But, in between feeding and playing with him, I was an abusive fuck. He deeply bit me once, and I deserved it too. Whenever I hurt him, I'd feel like the scum of the earth afterward every time. I never understood why I did it. Now, I can see that I was just a loveless owner in a loveless family. Still, my own power and malevolence horrified me. When he finally passed, I wept immensely; it wasn't because I missed him, it was because I was relieved he'd finally escaped my clutches and went to a better place. I've spent over a decade alongside incredible self-loathing and for good reason. But, this was the start of it all. Don't really feel the shame anymore though, just emptiness. Nothing I can do about it now.

 No.3024

>>2999
Congratulations, you know _true love_ now! If you want to know the bullsoykaf imaginary version tho, you're probably gonna need to destroy most of your brain with stuff.

 No.3025

>>2993
Just start doing something, better if it's small. Inaction is worse than wasting time. Once you act you will begin to find the way, and if you get it going your energy can snowball.

 No.3027

every time i try to change myself i get scared about what my family would think and stop without doing any progress, i know my family would just accept me but i'm still scared any other possible outcome. would be fine if i were to live on my own but job are scarce and me being on my father healthcare plus my parents desire of a higher education for their children means i'm stuck on a tertiary education without the will to learn.
i'm basically a neet who goes to college and i don't want to be, but fear of how my family would react stuck me on this limbo of depression and faking happiness.

also i desire a group of friends where i can talk freely about my interests, but the internet has corrupted me so much that, sadly, talking about those topics on spanish make me cringe, so i usually avoid it whenever i can.

 No.3029

>>3027
you can't be a neet if you go to college
the origin of suffering is desire
you can talk to me, i speak spanish

 No.3030

>>3011
I was negligent of my hamsters. They're buried in the yard.

 No.3078

>>3011
I had a similar experience. I had a pet rat. I wanted one so bad, I romanticized the idea of having an adorable little pet. Went to petsmart and picked my favorite and brought him home.

I was abusive to him. I began to detest him. I wanted him gone. And when he finally did die, I wept tears of relief. I hate myself for that experience I put him through. That was a dark time in my life.

 No.3083

I feel like I'm being followed and want to kms.

 No.3084

>>3083
You should

 No.3086

>>3084
Thanks.

 No.3087

>>3083
Who follows you and why?

 No.3088

>>3084
Go eat some wart covered dicks

 No.3091

I don't have 1.35 for a beer. I want to drown my sorrows forever. It's all so much.. the inevitability of death.. horrible realities of life.. the turmoil and toil..

 No.3097

I feel an not altogether unpleasant sense when the pali wears off.. seems to me my glory days are behind me. Anyway, the shot is god forsaken awful. I AM medication compliant. What a cheap.. jewish tactic injecting me with that. The problem with it isn't the tardive dyskinesia.. it's the overall detrimental effect it has on my cognition. Had a spouse.. how do you cessate your spouses' incessant weeping and gnashing of teeth - as foretold in the ancient literature? Let her fuck a beale or something Jesus.. opiods? She won't stop then I got dropped. Is it worth to cry over love lost?
And I do proclaim.. hotcha.. I saw a fairest of maidens. Looking hotter than the molten core of the earth.. you know I had to learn the hard way to let her pass by baby. Damn..

 No.3106

I think about suicide a lot. It's fun. A way to relax. I don't think I would ever do it but the thoughts are always there. The past six months to a year they've really picked up. I thought it was always a teenage emotion thing but can't be the case if you're 24. Roughly ~10 years of it. I wonder if I'll ever do it.

 No.3114

File: 1568590880330.jpg (645.48 KB, 2048x1365, Vash the Stampede.jpg)

I'm having intrusive thoughts in the shape of "give up" or similar phrases again. I have no one to talk about it, since the only person i have asked me to not talk to them -for justifiable reasons-, which is a factor in this recent mental decline, thankfully (?) not the main one.
Chans are the only place left and it usually turns things worse; hope not this time.
This is cycle repeats ad infinitum and i am tired of it.

 No.3120

I've never done anything with my life and now I'm starting to approach a much older age. I want a fresh start both online and in real life. I want to end everything from my past and truly let it all go. I've dealt with shutting myself away from society for over a decade now with extreme anxiety and depression. I also want to leave this small town life that I struggle to deal with every single day. It's not for me and nothing here ever will be. But I'm afraid to get "out there" to make a true difference or tolerate working for my exit plan for that new start I crave so badly. Seems like I'm just going to be living over and over repeating myself into further despair until I eventually "crack".



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