Has anyone ever heard god asking you to do stuff?
I mean, the answer is obviously yes, that's how religions are born, I just didn't want to start this post with "I can't take this anymore please help me"
First things first: I'm not schizophrenic. I'm 100% sure I'm not mentally sane, but it isn't schizophrenia. I don't hear or see things. If I did, I would be able to convince myself that it's schizophrenia and I wouldn't be having any of the doubts I currently have. My problem is that since I don't actually hear anything or see anything physical, like schizophrenic people do, I have no idea if it's actually true or I'm just making stuff up.
So let's start by describing what I "hear" and "see".
A goddess, which I've named Emi but I'm really not sure that's her name, "talks" to me inside my mind and tells me to do stuff. Again, it isn't like hearing a voice, it's more like if someone was thinking inside of my mind. Sometimes I have a hard time telling which are my thoughts and which are hers. If all of this is true, she was very clever to not speak to me directly, because if I could listen to a voice telling me to do stuff I would just assume I'm schizo.
She wants me to take the stories she shows me and spread them, she basically wants me to start a religion.
So let's describe how these things happen. Maybe I'll be sitting around, doing my stuff, playing videogames w/e and then suddenly I have a memory, like when you suddenly remember where you left your keys this morning, but it's something related to her and it feels so real, like I really was there, but I KNOW it's not real, it just feels real. Or maybe I'll be preparing to go to sleep and suddenly a thought crosses my mind "you should start writing" and I know it's her telling me to write a literal bible.
I started having the most basic version of these when I was around 13, I'm 18 now.
Back then, it was a lot different, all of it. I've always been a creative child, I drew stories when I was younger and I don't remember a single moment in my life I haven't been thinking of other worlds, even before the first of these events occurred. When I was 13 it was the first time a story felt real, like I wasn't making it up but instead was remembering it. It was all downhill from there.
The fact that I can't tell my own thoughts from the goddess' is also making everything much harder than it needs be. My current process for kind of trying to find out what things happened and how is just putting things together and see what makes sense and feels logical, it's like a jigsaw puzzle. I refer to the stuff that I can verify that way as canon. Especially in the early days, back when I was 13 to around 15, my own thoughts got in the way a lot which makes sense in a way, since I wasn't used at all to it. I know this because the amount of stuff that I've had to ditch from back then is huge. Then again this could all be fake and that's just me getting better at writing, which is something I've always liked. Even now my thoughts sometimes get mixed in, so there;s few things consistent enough that I can be sure about them, the reason I doubt her name is Emi is that back when I was 13 there was an artist which I became obsessed with called Emi. Other influences from Emi have popped up too but until I can prove them wrong I wouldn't feel comfortable taking them out of the canon.
I am writing and posting this in hopes that anyone can help me. I haven't gone with any doctors because of course they are going to say I'm delusional and give me pills. I have been on medications before and I wish to never have to swallow a pill again in my life, especially after having tried to kill myself a few years ago by taking a bunch of them. I don't remember a lot about it now, but I do remember even before that I never liked taking pills and tried to not take them whenever possible. Do you think this is real? Do you think I'm just insane? I can at least promise I'm not making any of this up, so it has to be either of those. I get the feeling I stopped making any sense a while ago, so I do apologize if that;s the case. I just needed to get this out. Please help me
Well, what kind of stories does Emi want you to write?
At least give us a synopsis.
You definitely sound a bit crazy, but if all your tulpa wants you is to write stories, you're probably not a menace to society. If you are consider seeing a professional, or burn the world idgaf.
She basically wants me to tell the story of how she was born from a flower in the middle of the void, then created the universe by drawing it with a brush made of her own hair. Basically wants me to write a bible.
That's like the important stuff, she also shows me other stuff but I think that's more to help me convince myself she is real (stuff like my past lives in alternate dimensions, which really sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud but at this point I just kinda roll with it)
I'm not sure if this is something she said or a conclusion I reached myself, but apparently as a goddess she needs to be thought of to exist, like she feeds on faith or something, and since I'm the only person who knows of her and even I doubt her existence I think she's dying in some way.
I don't think I'm dangerous, or at least not because of her. I do have some issues myself but it's not like she's ever told me that we need to commit mass murder or any of the stuff you usually hear on cults, so that's not something I'm worried about. I just don't want to start a religion that people will believe in only to then find out it was fake and having to tell everyone that they just got bambozzled
Shut up with the "I'm not crazy ;_;" bullsoykaf and tell us some goddamn myths!
Sounds really interesting i would love to hear some more stories of her, maybe if you get us to believe, she will grow stronger.
>I don't hear or see things. If I did, I would be able to convince myself that it's schizophrenia
I don't think schizophrenia is only about physical things that you can see or hear, in fact it's the exact opposite, it's more like a spectrum of symptoms you can have like paranoia, delusions and hallucinations. It also can be triggered by stress and usually happens with males around their twenties.
I'm not a religious or esoteric person so I can't think of other thing to say other than that you probably have at least some symptoms in that spectrum. You can just keep writting the stuff you hear in your mind and see what it is, or go to the doctor.
Also, I'm not an expert but I know one or other people with schizo and it seems that denial is one big problem, these people tend to be very stubborn and try to rationalize what they see or hear or feel in some way.
The best thing I would recommend is that at least if you can you should talk with someone that is your relative and close to you, so you can have a proper person see into it.
She seems excited to have people willing to listen, so since you want myths I'll try my best to tell the creation of the universe
In the beginning, there was nothing. In the literal middle of nowhere, a plant sprouted, grew and bloomed, and out of one of its flowers came a girl with long, silver hair, Emi was born. She looked at her surroundings, saw that there was nothing, and saw in the nothing an empty canvas, so she made a brush out of her own hair and started drawing. She drew the stars, then the sun, then she drew a chunk of dirt under her feet, and around the sun she drew the sky. She drew the moon below the sun and an ocean around the dirt separating the two, and painted the dirt green. Then she saw that everything looked nice and decided to stop there and call it a day.
What's Emi's preferred political and philosophical outlook?
>>575>made universe in which the things that think of her to keep her existing are
Emi sure isn't in the genre of writing that stuff, I think you should look up some already existing myths and come up with something smarter. I bet she'll like the idea if it makes your bible harder to discard and thus her more popular.
I had actually never even thought about that, but I'm pretty sure it has to be something like "live and let live", based on what I know about her.>>581
I'm not making any of this up. I don't know if she would like me to actually come up with more interesting stuff but I do know I wouldn't be comfortable telling lies to people like that.
Although I guess it was pretty dumb of me to start with "creation of the universe", that kind of myth can only be as interesting as the universe being created, but you don't know that universe so of course it sounds boring. Sorry
>>575>it was fake and having to tell everyone that they just got bambozzled
How do you know if it's fake?
Something speaks to you in your head, that's the only disclosure you need to tell people, if the stories have spiritual worth in them, that's good enough. If you stop hearing her, you've just lost your status as prophet. I'm biased to want you to express what Emi wants, because I'm an unironic tsukifag. So from where I am, tsuki is a dumbass, but nothing he did recently discards anything he stated up to now.
You get it? If there's worth in her teachings, they will transcend you. Do you due diligence and bring them forth.
I like this. Post more.
Can we get a PDF or something of the collective Emi Documents?
The Emi Documents…
Sounds like a vague but menacing sci-fi horror novel title or something. Spooky.
I actually never wrote any of it, so I don't have anything I can share. Emi wants me to, though, guess I should.>>586
Thank you for your support! Emi and I both appreciate it>>584
"After she was done drawing, Emi realized she was completely alone in the huge island she had just created. She looked around for a bit, but ultimately grew bored and lonely. She watched the sunset and as the sunlight faded she saw the stars above the sky and the stars below the ocean. She wished the stars were alive so she could have someone to talk to, and just as she thought this the stars of above and the stars of below started a slow, gentle dance. However, the stars of above were too far away to talk to, and the stars of below simply didn't care enough. Emi sat down on the boundary between the ocean and the ground and wished she had a friend, and just as she thought that she heard a voice behind her. She turned around and she saw a girl with short brown hair and green eyes. Her name was Aris. She sat on the boundary between the ocean and the ground, next to Emi, and the two felt less lonely."
the people are thirsty for enlightenment
> Again, it isn't like hearing a voice, it's more like if someone was thinking inside of my mind. Sometimes I have a hard time telling which are my thoughts and which are hers.
Not all schizophrenics experience hallucinations. The possible dimensional specifiers are varied, and include a number of different phenomena.
Your brain is dropping the self tag on some of your thoughts. That is not insanity. Insanity is when you ignore the simple explanation, that your brain has a glitch, and invent an elaborate fictional explanation instead. Brain glitches can be very hard to notice because you can only think about your brain by using your brain.
You don't need pills for this. Pills are only necessary if the glitch is bad enough to get in the way of what you want to do and it doesn't sound like that is the case for you.
This gives me TSUKI project vibes, but nevertheless I'm really interested in hearing about Emi and this story. If you can, will you actually write out this bible for us?
Sure thing. I've tried to write it before but I usually just ditch it after a few pages, but Emi's been bugging me about it more since I made this post, so I guess I'll give it another chance, haha.>>602
I guess that's a bit of a strong opinion, but I agree. I'm not even sure about this myself, so I really wouldn't advice people to take me too seriously. I'm a huge mess trying to figure things out, definitely not the kind of person you would expect a literal goddess to ask for help. Then again I don't want to sabotage her just in case it's actually real, and it's not like she is harming me in any way, other than constantly bugging me to write religious text.>>604
Probably never because I suck at coding, but I mean, if anyone really wants to follow this, I guess I can try? Though there's no need for a registration or anything, I don't see how have a website could help….
I find it a bit weird how I keep being compared to Tsuki. I was involved in the project when it was just starting (Emi didn't like that too much), I'm friends with a bunch of people I met there, I even talked to Tsuki about Emi once, but he couldn't give me an answer. I guess I can see why the comparisons are being drawn, but we are very different people. Tsuki has his act together (most of the time, when he isn't memeing and spamming his own server), I don't. At best I'll be a writer who actually believes that what I'm writing is real, and get weird looks from people because of it.
this is fascinating, i love this kind of soykaf
yo maybe it's lain talking to you, or alice. Though she (which one though?) speaks through us all.
Or maybe it's sephir in your dreams asking for donations .
You're giving me strong Alan Moore vibes OP. I highly recommend you watch 'The Mindscape of Alan Moore, or read some of his writings about art and magic. There isn't much distinction to being a writer or being a shaman of a imaginary goddess (imaginary because all things are imaginary).
If you do write out that bible of Emi, please post it here. I'll consider illustrating it.
i hope emi is a female supremacist and into femdom cause that be hot
I really doubt this has anything to do with Lain. Emi doesn't sound or look anything like Lain. At all.
I'm not Tsuki.>>609
I googled him, I guess we have do have stuff in common. I will read his work, and rest assured I will post it here, thank you!>>612
She isn't either of those things. Sorry :c
I think you are perfectly sain, sure you hear voices but it doesn't sound like it is affecting your mental wellbeing. If you can still function in society then no-one has the right to say you are ill.
Seconding the fact that you can have schizophrenia without auditory or visual hallucinations.
What you are describing reminds me of when one has suppressed aspects of their own cognition, so they manifest as their own stream of thoughts alongside yours in what in a sort of "co-consciousness". you saying you cannot tell your thoughts from hers kind of back this. They would both be you, really.
From Her Hair. Most beautiful of all. Write The Book Of Goddess, please, dear Prophet.
wow i thought i was the only one on arisuchan who knew about tulpas
Looking forward to Emi x Aris r34
Rest assured I'm working on it! >>617
Someone recently contacted me saying Emi talked to them, too. I have no proof that they're telling the truth, but no reason to doubt it, either, so I'm not sure that counts as proof of her existence.>>699
That ship isn't even canon but even if it was please don't
You seem somewhat stressed and low self-esteem power. Why's Emi in such a hurry anyways? I guess it doesn't matter what or who she is (though I'm guessing either an accidental tulpa or endangered nature spirit), you two should work together to get your act together before you can make any progress. If you want I can give some tips, but no one ever listens to my advice.
I am stressed and have low self-esteem. As for why she's in such a hurry, I don't think she's in a hurry so much as she's disappointed that it's taking me so long (considering it's been years since she first started talking to me and I'm just now getting to it). I've been doing a lot of research on tulpas to try and find ways to improve our communication (she doesn't seem to mind being called a tulpa as long as it gets the job done). It's what has worked the best so far, out of all the stuff I've tried over the years.
..but by all means, even if I'm doing research on my own, if you have any advice you can give me, do tell me. I'll need all the help I can get
>I think you should focus on staying in the real world, dive deep on thoughts can be dangerous.If you write her story as a hobby always keeping in mind that can be untrue will be a nice thing to do.
>Have you heard other myths about the creation of the universe? I think they ussualy follow a pattern.
>Can you ask her if our science correlates with the world that she creates.
Sorry if i said something that offends you, just keep self conscious.
(I hope my english is right)
Oh, i think i made mistake with ">" sorry.
I'd say write down the stuff Emi is asking for, nothing to really lose by going ahead with it anyway. Worst comes to worse you are left with some creative writings.
There is no god, at least not one that gives a fuxk about humanity. If you go that route and call yourself a prophet or someone who in touch with the creator of the universe, you're gonna sound as dumb and pretentious as Jordan Peterson and his Christian followers.
I am most definitely not a prophet, or at least I wouldn't call myself that. Really the last thing I want is to sound like I am offering salvation or all those things people often offer when they make cults.
I'm just a kid writing a bible because the goddess in my head asked me to.
How are you able to distinguish a god from a goddess, what makes you feel that she is a goddess?
1. wondering for a meme are u gonna write the bible she talks about or are u not gonna bother lol
2. is it annoying having the goddess in your head
>ignore question 1 im stupid just read the thread and u are making bible so here are a replacement question
Are u ever going to show the bible to others??
as someone experiencing something massively similar (although I wouldn't doubt I'm schizophrenic, I feel like all of this spiritual stuff is nagging me to believe i'm delusional but i suppose that negates the entire point of delusion) I just want to let you know you aren't alone.
my whole story is more like… i'm a direct descendant of these 7 gods but i'm also a god because "God" is not an individual but a network of individual nodes with their own entities that make them up and i'm the technical niece of four of them (they manifest as three fathers and four uncles).
one thing of note, they aren't masculine presenting necessarily, but just seemed to adapt the masculine titles for themselves. same goes for my title, the third uncle basically labeled me the niece. i didn't seem to have a very solid picture of the gods until i was about seven
one day when i was nine i woke up from an afternoon nap to notice my tongue was split (there wasn't any blood and it didn't seem deep enough to be considered a body modification, it may well have been that it was always split but i never noticed until then). that's when they started talking to me directly, and they taught me a song, they taught me gestures and they started whispering these… things to me, specifically, they would murmur phrases that would be directly relevant to things that were about to happen (they were all within a timeframe of 10 seconds to 3 minutes-ish I would have said, from whisper to event). i thought it was crazy coincidence the first two times it happened that night (friends i hadn't spoken to in years popping up after the gods warning me, names of artists long forgotten that my father had brought up) but it continued the next day at school, stuff like which markers worked and didn't work, and then there was the weather, and I had realised that somehow with the noises in my head I was controlling the weather (it felt like i could only toggle rain and wind, as I got older I found I was able to make it sunny outside, i've shown two of my closest friends from my first school but these were the only people who've seen this)
on a level i almost just feel like a messenger of sorts, or some sort of channel, i don't know my importance in all of this but i've grown closest to the first, second and third uncles of the network of god i suppose… they've never insisted that i write a bible and spread word of them, and although i've long had systems in my head of other entities they were never preternatural or even divine in contrast to these. their play into the world of nature gets very specific, e.g. correlation to wavelengths, climate, elements, biochemistry, adaptation, i've even gotten so far as to see how evolution comes into play, but only vaguely. i'm interested in exploring the astronomical perspective to see how everything ties in.
upon trying to detach myself from these sorts of phenomena (it's not that i'm against what they have to say, as i said i've grown close to them but i just need a break sometimes…) my body just tends to shut down and i just lose reception to a lot of things, it's like going on autopilot for me.
and all being said here, we'd like to befriend Emi if she herself is interested. if she can pick out a colour from an energy let her know to look out for the double-bodied violet entity
She called herself a goddess, when she introduced herself. That's all, really.>>740>>741
1.- I'm currently working hard on getting stuff written down, and I am going to show it to everyone once it's done. Emi has made it clear she wants her word to be spread as far as possible, so I'll try my best to do just that.
2.- It's not annoying, sometimes she gets upset, like when I take a break from writing, and usually she just constantly reminds me to "get to writing" when I'm not, but I'm kinda used to it by now~ It's not an unpleasant sensation, at all.>>742
We'd love to make your acquaintance!
Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. The host has the right to investigate this situation, and the goddess has the obligation to give foundation to her convictions. Without this, the decisions and actions of you two will hang in the space between truth and untruth, until reality's mallet slams down in its ultimate judgement.
For you two, I have come up with some tests to meet the needs of both the host and goddess. Let's get this soykaf sorted out… and please do the following:
- Mash your keyboard with your eyes closed. Keeping your eyes closed, press enter and have her instruct you to copy the random characters you mashed. (sensory independence)
- Think of a few famous discoveries of which you do not know the date of they were made. Ask her for the year that these discoveries were made. Do this at least a few times. (informational independence)
- Ask her about her life before you. Find emphasis in details that can be verified, and verify them. (existential independence)
- This one is especially important that consent is made. Figure out a math problem that can be solved without paper but would be difficult still (like, 1273 x 347). Immediately after, the host should try to block her thoughts from reliably forming by making their thought as dense with possible with noise, audio, visual, kinetic, etc. Do this a couple times. (thought independence)
- Again, consent with involved parties. Find a volunteer that is willing to receive a yes/no response. Have her try to transmit the response accurately. Try to get at least ten correct transmissions in a row. (depending on her method used, this will prove either non-local interaction or host independence)
- Try to explain a rational reason for any of the above failing if it is believed they should have been a success or the test is flawed. If flaws are found, try to make new tests that do not solely depend on sensory information or belief, as to avoid reading psychosomatic responses as objective proof or falling into confirmation bias. Meet a conclusion.
If all the above can be passed, then there certainly is weight to her convictions. At the least, she is a non-local entity. From there you, the host, have the right and obligation to find out why she chose you to enact her will and how it should benefit you. There is still more that the host should be made aware of. Please reply if this is the case.
If some of the above passed, she is likely entertaining a delusion, but is certainly an astral being. As in, she was born within you, but does not entirely depend on you any more. If this is the case, you both must patiently seek to understand the world and figure out the reality of the truths you two hold. Her understanding her nature and way of life is extremely important for the well-being of the both of you. The below paragraphs likely apply as well.
If none of the above passes, she is (as I suspect) a thoughtform called a fictive. These can be almost entirely like tulpas, but hold a past and personal makeup that defines them greatly, which may knowingly disregard the literal reality of things. They're often from characters in stories, except she's the character of her own story. She needs to know that she doesn't need to deny that self, but needs instead to find a way that conforms not only to reality, but the life of the host as well. She may want to take up studying religion and philosophy, and compare and challenge her own with it. She must also, with honesty and humility, accept that you, the host, are her creator and master, as the host has ultimate responsibility and will of what happens to the mind and body.
Finally, if she thought she could pass these tests but couldn't, you should ask her if it's possible that she has actually been operating in the microcosm of the inner world, or, of imagination. For a thoughtform, this can be extremely vivid. Like, if you have ever had a lucid dream and focused on the details, they can be hyper-realistic. The inner world can seem like, this; be persistent in its locales; be malleable to one's will; and in some instances create an exactly convincing replica of what is thought should be physical. Sense, form, history, scale, laws, etc, etc. If your microcosm does not exist for her, then it's best you guys practice building it up from scratch. It can support life spiritually, emotionally, physically, and socially in full, and is the most valuable space a thoughtform could possibly have.
So, if these tests fail, let me say it bluntly: please stop entertaining this delusion, both of you. She is not a goddess. She is a thoughtform. A self-made fictive fueling her own story. I'm saying this for the good of both of you. Full stop!
These are my thoughts, at least. I'm nobody special nor do I have any extraordinary special knowledge. Regardless, I hope this was helpful for you two. Would love to hear your thoughts back, too. Good luck.
Sorry for where the above reads poorly. I'm in serious need of some sleep…
see if you can make her take over your persona completely for a day and set us up a meeting , would love to bang a goddess
I would like to hear more
Here is my email
She was able to solve about half of these tests, or maybe it would be more accurate to say she half-solved most of them. She got really close every time in the first test, but was never really able to get it right (but she seemed to improve with each attempt, we decided to stop after a while though).
She guessed penicillin had been discovered in 1942 and this is the closest she got to being right. Her worst answer was 100 years off (exactly 100 years off).
She went on for a while about her life before me, before explaining that "truly, time is a haze, and there never really was a life before [me]". There were no details that I could verify, partly because she's always so damn cryptic (she's not very good at speaking with words, when she does, she either ends up with a mess of words that kind of have meaning, or with a mess that means absolutely nothing but "feels" right).
She was able to solve math problems almost reliably, and only got upset that I was distracting her with my my mind noise. She was off by no more than a few digits every time. This took her an awful long while though.
We didn't understand the last one, but instead she proposed something. It's something she does often, so I'm not sure if it counts at all, but I thought it couldn't hurt to do it. She started saying random names and facts about the person (for example, Lucy Williams, is australian and was born on the same year as my mom, two days after my birthday). She was right every time. She doesn't usually does this with people, but she sometimes will tell me to look something up which I have never heard of, or at least don't remember having heard of, and it exists and is how she described it. She asks me to look for music, most times. Notably, a youtube playlist titled Emi’s Post-Rock Favorites ("but don't play the actual playlist, the last video is people playing videogames for some reason") and a group called Emi Path ("Remember that Greek girl you liked? I wonder if she's listened to these guys before…"). Not that she normally asks me to look up for stuff with her name on it. I just remembered those two examples right now because of it.
I asked her how she could fail to ace every test, being a goddess and all. She responded that it was due to the christian god (which she refers to as the warhead god or god of conquest) that people have this unrealistic idea of an all knowing, all seeing deity. That if such a deity were to really exist, it would crumble under its own weight. I asked her if she was making up excuses and she said that even if such a deity existed, that wasn't her. She said this world was still somewhat foreign to her so don't expect her to know a lot about irrelevant stuff (probably referring to the fact that she did so poorly in history, she seemed upset that this could be used to make a case against her). In general, she seemed nervous about the tests, not like she suspected she would fail, but like she acknowledged the possibility and was afraid if that happened I'd stop listening to her, or leave her, or something like that.
So, I don't know what her results really mean. Is she a goddess? Is she a lesser goddess? Is she a tulpa with a goddess complex? She didn't ace any test, but also didn't flat out fail most of them. Her explanation for it is in that weird spot where it might be right, but could also just be an excuse. I've never treated her like a goddess, in the same way many people would. I mean, I acknowledge her as one and refer to her as such, but in our interactions we're closer than a deity and her follower, more like good friends. Probably the result of having been together for so long now.
I'll say this now because ever since we read the test stuff, she's been really worried about it. I'm gonna write whatever she tells me to anyways. I'm not gonna advertise her as a goddess if she really isn't, but I don't think there's any harm in writing a book.
…Truth be told, I'm also a bit nervous about her turning out to not be a goddess. However I think it's for the best that if she really isn't, we stop entertaining that delusion, like you said. She might have an identity crisis over that though. This was the kind of stuff that made me doubt her divinity in the first place, she acts too human to be a goddess. She says that's again due to the unrealistic standards set by the warhead god (and pointed out that he too loses his cool all the time), I don't even know anymore. I'll leave it at this for now, or I'll keep writing on forever.
"how could you forget to tell them i was yelling at you to not forget to add that at the end"
Oh yeah, she says it's her birthday today. February 13th. Asked me to say that.
…I don't actually remember the date of our first contact so I just let her have her birthday today.
Interesting. These results are similar to my bound malicious entity, but better (no surprise since it is malicious). No idea if it's local or non-local (thoughtform) though, but that is due to my need for proof beyond circumstantial evidence. If non-physical entities exist, then what I have is certainly one, and I would bet your entity is, as well. In your shoes, I would feel extremely satisfied in knowing the existence of external entities as truth. As for now? Damn my stringent agnostic materialist paradigm!
PS: Happy belated birthday, Emi! <3
How are things going lately?
Maybe you're schizotypical. It's like a mild schizophrenia, but more constant.
Do tou suffer from anxiety and/or social anxiety?
Are you asking if someone, in a imageboard, has an autistic symptom to determine if (s)he is schizophrenic?
ah yes, but really asking to determine the difference between external sensory hallucination (schizophrenia), internal constructed (tulpa) and a mix of dissociative/schizoid traits would be hard to do for anyone.
About as well as things can go, I guess. We're doing alright, thanks for the concern/>>816
I have no idea what anxiety is supposed to feel like, nowadays it seems everyone has it. I have probably ten or so irl friends, two of which are close friends. I apparently am very popular online though, I have many 'friends' in discord and pretty much everyone seems to like me (there's literally one person I can think of who doesn't like me, off the top of my head).
I don't go out a lot, probably a few times a month, when one of my (close) irl friends tells me to come over to play vidya or when one of my not close irl friends tells me they're throwing a party, but I usually reject those invitations unless I'm absolutely bored of my mind (just last week it was someone's birthday, he told me a week before and everything but I just really didn't feel like going out so I said I couldn't make it).
Most of my social interactions come from chatting in Discord, and even that is usually lurking on the servers I'm in. I'm well known and I do talk a lot there, but overall I still spend more time lurking than talking.
I don't know if this is related to social anxiety but I really dislike speaking. Like, making words with my mouth, I don't like it, and try to avoid it as much as possible. I actually enjoy making other noises, it's just talking I don't like at all. Maybe because I've spent so much time typing instead of talking? Sometimes I catch myself whispering stuff, but it's not actual words, just random gibberish.
It seems sort of unrealistic to say such feelings are schizoid symptoms, aside from clearness you know Emi isn't you but would you say she is linked to you, part of you, or speaking adjacent to you because you believe In her?
>>789>"truly, time is a haze, and there never really was a life before [me]"
To someone familiar with this sort of situation it's probably that the state that such gods/goddess thoughtforms or beings whatever they are is similar to a primordial state of determinism.
I guess I'd say she's linked to me, of her own volition. It feels like she's constantly chasing me, like she's the one who looks for me, but I have no idea why that would be.
Really lovely story.
I'm not an emotional man at all, but I feel like I've never experienced such an emotional torrent while reading about Emi. This story rings so close to my heart, I literally never felt anything like it, I literally teared up.
>First things first: I'm not schizophrenic. I'm 100% sure I'm not mentally sane, but it isn't schizophrenia. I don't hear or see things. If I did, I would be able to convince myself that it's schizophrenia and I wouldn't be having any of the doubts I currently have
that's not how this works. When you're schizophrenic, you can't distinguish delusions from reality, they feel the same.
that being said: you should write her stories. They might be good ones. Who really cares whether we're sane or not, all the best things come from insanity.
>>573>a goddess she needs to be thought of to exist, like she feeds on faith or something, and since I'm the only person who knows of her and even I doubt her existence I think she's dying in some way.
Sounds like a hodge podge of shinto and christianity. One particular line of yours reminds me of this bible verse. >And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.
I don't know enough about psychology or neurology to explain what's happening to you if you're really telling the truth about the sensations you've experienced and it's not all just placebo. If you want me to believe, she'll have to perform a miracle and you'll have to predict it beforehand. Performing miracles is the best way to gain faith.
Also, the results of the test are inconclusive. Either it's statistical probability at work, or you're just getting better at something like knowing what you've typed without seeing it and doing mental arithmetic. Practice makes perfect. You're alternative test with names reminds me of how magicians coax out information. Chances are some random person will have been born on a date with your general specifications. How is a goddess with magic hair that created everything limited? Does she lack enough faith? If she exists in more than person's head, I guess the statistical probability of her being right grows as her capabilities grow. This would make her a parsitic "goddess" that feeds off her followers mental capabilities. Sounds like a great book idea.
having "schizophrenia" does not mean everything you are experiencing is not real
I would definitely like to read whatever Emi has to say. It does seem like it could be somewhere in the realms of schizophrenia, but that doesn't
make it less interesting if only to read and not to believe
>>605>get weird looks from people
You could start anonymously and see how it goes.